BLAH

I am trying to figure out what songs to do tonight. I can't think. It's like my brain is fried. Help me God.

Out of Focus

Lord put me back in focus. Since I was pregnant with Isaac I have not had a cycle, if you know what I mean... and then last week, after 18 mths of freedom, I am again cursed with the pain and suffering of the time of the month. It threw me out of whack, out of schedule, out of hormones, out of my mind!! I feel like I am out of focus. So God help me, put me back together. Thank you!

Singleness

Very well then, it is better to be single to serve the Lord. There are many things God has put on my heart. Gifts, burden, and passions. Just last night, my husband and I were talking about going places in the mid east for His sake. We know we will be overseas one day and we are waiting for that day to come. God, I am still here and I am still willing. Send me.

Remembering Kingdom Purpose

A video like this zapped me back into the horror of God's wrath. A world without absolute truth, morals, authority, or sovereignty of God. Lord, may I always remember to win a soul for Your Kingdom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA

Confirmation and Affirmation

I just LOVE when I get confirmation and affirmation from God. I was all doubting myself with leading worship for these pre-teens and talking down to myself and asking the Lord for confirmation and affirmation, right? Right. Well, I got them this week! Got me thinking if I were Job, I'd never pass the test. I am so sinful, impatient, unfocused, and unfaithful. How do I remain faithful in suffering, doubt, and isolation from Him? I hate not hearing from Him, I hate not having enough time for Him, I hate being far away from Him. Without Him, my life is meaningless. It was awesome on Wednesday! I know He has given me an awesome gift in music and in leading people into worship. Lord, use me, use me, use me.

Isaiah 6:5-8
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Ear infections and all

Everyone has been sick for the past month! The kids have been affected the most. They still want to play all the time, but their diarrhea, recurring fevers and non-stop coughs have us praying constantly. We had a doctor's visit but the doctor we saw wasn't great. He was on the phone with someone else half the time we were there, and when he finally saw them, I wondered if he was certified. The nurse didn't even take their temperatures! They had fever, lost weight, coughing crazy, and had no appetite. So last Friday, we took them both to the ER and got antibiotics for Isaac's severe ear infection. They both have upper respiratory infections or something like croup. Now both Phill and I are sick also. Life in TX is going along. There was a tornado warning yesterday afternoon and we hid in the bathroom. That was fun. I don't know where God is taking me or my talents. God I ask you for more faith and grace. Speak to my heart and let the Holy Spirit guide me and teach me.

Christ died to give us life and rose to give us hope.

Many people, even unbelievers, believe in Christ's existence because of overwhelming evidence that He was a man on earth, yet many people, even some believers, do not believe in the resurrection of Christ. The death of Christ is the atonement of our sins, which means we will not be judged for sins we committed, but that's only half of His covenant. Christ rose again to prove to us once again that He will reign forever. That we will also die but be risen with Him one day. That's what's giving me the courage to face disappointment, humiliation, persecution, and even one day, martyrdom. On this day, I reaffirm my dedication to Jesus my Savior, my Lord. He is real. He is true. He is the One true God that will save you if you just believe.

1 Corinthians 15

The Resurrection of Christ

1Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. 2By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.

3For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance^[a]: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, 4that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, 5and that he appeared to Peter,^[b] and then to the Twelve. 6After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. 7Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles, 8and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born.

9For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 11Whether, then, it was I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed.

Struggling

I desire to have hours to read the Bible, pray on my knees, and practice my instruments for worship. I want to have time for journaling and writing, and do my cardio kickboxing and group fitness certification. I would also love to swim laps for hours. The hardest thing I have to deal with after being married and shoved into motherhood is the lack of time for God and myself. I am constantly struggling to give myself and my ambitions up in order to raise up another generation of Kingdom workers. My goal for this week is to schedule in some time for fasting and praying for the kids, and studying God's word. I need a new schedule for the babies so I could be more effective with our time. I need to hear God, and I need His help. I have been wanting to just give up the opportunity He gave me to lead worship. There's just so much I want to do and can't do right now because I have kids. I know He wants me to be patient. I am so impatient. I want to jump right in, jump ahead, and do everything I envision of. I want to use God's word to write worship songs. I want to have my own worship band. I want to lead thousands in worship. I want to have my own worship CD. I have got to set aside lots of time for prayer and reading His word. I can hear Abigail awake from nap. I better go. I love You Jesus.

Nova Pathos - New passion

Technically, it's just a new realization. I read 2 Dr James Dobson books last month and realized that political issues are being manipulated because of spiritual reasons. It is true that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the authority of darkness. I am appalled by organizations like FFRF (Freedom from religious foundation), ACLU (American civil liberties union), and Planned Parenthood. I fear the future for my children and grandchildren. They will go on to a world that we will never want to live in. I pray and pray and pray that my children and their children will be god-fearing, wise in the Lord, and passionate for Christ's kingdom. If anyone in my future generations shall be lost, I will be so heart broken. Jesus, have mercy on their souls. Help me teach them your ways, and to understand why your way is the best. Because of Focus on the family, I am now much more involved in my every day political realm. I sign petitions and read up on the latest laws and regulations. Last night I email Arnold Schwarzenegger to thank him for being supportive about homeschooling. I felt cool. God, help me to pass on this important task of being active in our political world. Give me direction to your heart and desires. Continue to humble me and help me submit myself to you and my husband. Let me carry on a ministry that will impact the church and my children. Let my children see you in me and carry on your legacy. In Jesus' name I humbly ask. AMEN.

I forget

We rarely go to the mall, and when we went a couple of weeks ago, I realized I had forgotten why I don't like going there. There are too many things I don't want to see or hear in a mall. Not to mention my children! Anyway I am not going to a mall ever again! Until I forget again.... I hope I don't. God, help me not to forget.

Akouw Theos

I hear God. Sometimes. Sometimes, I ignore what He's trying to tell me. Sometimes, I sulk in what He says. Lately, I've just been confused with what He's trying to teach me. When I first surrendered my life to Jesus, I did what He said. Mostly because it was so obvious. We'd have weekly lessons. One week, it was humility. Everything that happened in that week, pointed out how I needed to be meek. Then it was patience. Then compassion. Then obedience. It was obvious. Now, it takes me more time to figure out what He's even trying to teach me.

Well, if anyone knows me well, they'd know I long to lead worship. That's what I am made for. That's my calling. I've been praying, you know. Since I gave birth to Abigail, my worship leading career went down the drain. So I was asking, bugging, pestering the Lord whether or not that's what I'm supposed to do anymore.

That was November 2005. Abigail is 27months. And I had Isaac too in the meantime! Just this past Wednesday, someone called Phill about someone in this house that leads worship. Yeah, weird. You'd think I'd jump in it and say Here I am! (I did promise the Lord I'd do anything He asked me to do. True surrender. Right?) Well, I didn't. I want to. Very badly. But I haven't. Yet.

What's wrong with me? I don't know. My human nature. My insecurities. My brain is talking too loudly. I love worshiping the Lord. I love leading others in worship. Satan is definitely using my weaknesses. But when I am weak, then He is strong. Is this what it's all about? Maybe.

When I led worship before, I was too confident? I must decrease for Him to increase. I know that. I must completely rely on the Holy Spirit. I must totally surrender my desires. The praise and the worship are all for His glory. He is our reason and our Audience of One. I must pick up that guitar and let Him play the songs. God, You are my Shepherd. You are my Lord. You are my living God, who is worthy of my praise. Help me. Guide me. Instill in me. Let me serve You. Let me listen to You. Let me write new songs with Your Words. I surrender my will and desire Your will in my soul. Jesus, be my intercessor and mediator for my prayers. AMEN.

On the Road to Beautiful Charlie Hall

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

So sorry Elmo

Motherhood, I tell you, is something else. The repeating decision to sacrifice ourselves, our careers, our time, our food, our brain juice,... our everything, is miraculous. We do a lot, and we forget a lot. Then we play a lot, and we discipline a lot. In this new world of motherhood, I will never forget not to put lunch boxes in a laundry machine... especially the dryer. It melted like a hot dog. I can't imagine what a third baby would do to me. I'll let you know in about a year.

Standing alone

Twenty something years of my life past by me when I was all right with being inconsiderate, profane, selfish, immoral... a liar, a thief, an adulteress, a murderer... I, am a woman with a shameful, guilty, godless past. I was unstable, irresponsible, impulsive, and depressed. I did things to make myself feel happy during the day, yet curled up with pain in my heart at night. I attempted to seek peace through self-help books, music, shopping, and even the most despised of all, religion. I was desperate. I was in agony. My soul was empty. Life was meaningless.

But isn't it? We work and we slave for the things that we want and need. And money, the very thing we work for, owns us. Yet, at the end of life, who will take their bank accounts to their graves? Who will be full from the meals they have consumed? Who, will we be accountable to? Even my parents have disciplined me when I was a child. Teachers have graded my papers and given me F's.

Am I to fail at what I am given, even though I did not ask for it? Who will cherish my life if I did not? Who will love me when I cannot even find myself worthy? And at what price...?

For God did NOT send His Son into the world, to CONDEMN the world, but to SAVE the world through Him.

I have experienced a love that I still do not understand. A love so crazy. A love so sacrificial. My life was NOT saved by a church. My life was NOT saved by a religion. My life was precious to my Creator. Jesus came to me in my car when I cried out to Him. He sat beside me as I sobbed. He took my burden and carried my transgressions. Jesus, my God, saved me. And He was my price on the cross.

So is it OK to admit that I would die for Him? That I will speak the Truth in love to everyone I cross roads with? Relatives have left me, friends have isolated me, people have called me narrow minded, and I have been made anew! To stand alone is to have the will to die for Jesus as He has died for me. To stand alone is to be persecuted verbally, physically and emotionally, yet still singing to praise Him.

I will stand alone in Christ, and in Him alone will I glory.

KING Tree63

We have heard the thunder
We have seen the storm
Echoes of your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
Where one day we will stand before you Lord
Our altogether beautiful reward

CHORUS:
And we will give you glory bring you honor
King above all kings
You deserve our everything
We will lift our voices with your praises
Jesus you are our king

Though now we walk in darkness
Though now we see in part
Right now we're warmed by the burning flames
Of the fire in our hearts
You've promised you would lead us to your throne
Where we will worship you and you alone

Grocery Lists

I've been reading a lot. Mostly books on marriage and raising children. I also recently admitted publicly that I am a control freak, and cannot handle being in the dark. For example, the babies and I were at Walmart grocery shopping. I had this huge list, one I started since Wednesday, and I was determined to get the shopping done quickly. Well, I handed my list to Abigail who seemed responsible enough to hold it. First, she tore it in two pieces. "LOOK! BROKE, MOMMY!" "Yes, it's okay." That was when I still had the words in one piece. Then I moved on to price checking. I was so busy calculating, I did not realize that my important list was a goner. She looked at me as I looked at her with questioning eyes. "WHere's mommy's list?" "I don't know. Broke." "I know it broke. But you still had the list." "LOOK! BABY FOOD!" GRRRRR... I stood in the middle of the baby food isle, lost, confused, upset, and mostly lost. I felt like without my list, I didn't know what to get next or even where I was!! I took it out on her at first, and then I realized I am a slave to perfection, to chasing control, to... grocery shopping lists!!!!! I took a deep breath,.. Lord help me... "Mommy still loves you. It's okay the list is gone. We can still get pasta."