spiraling

I have stopped understanding my emotions. I signed up for Soul Care at our church but because it is almost Christmas and New Years, I am on the waiting list and no one can counsel me through it. Jesus is the wonderful counselor. I know. What can He do for my soul? I know all the answers. He can. He is able. But, I am having a hard time right now with having faith and He does not heal those who does not have faith. Right? I have no doubt I am born again. I know He has given me the Holy Spirit. I am just a rebellious little Asian right now, bitter at all the hardships I have been through. Of course, He reminds me, that I am the one who prayed to learn what it is like to surrender it all a year back. Well, I learned it and I don't like it. The idea is heroic, and beautiful, and grand. But I don't like it. It is only for people who can be like Christ. I can only be like Christ up to a very small degree. Blame it on my sinful nature and my stubborn, selfish ways. I look at Jesus and I look at me and I feel inadequate to be His follower.  I don't think that's right. When I was a new Christian 12 years ago, I saw my sin and saw Jesus' perfection and I saw His grace. I was grateful for His salvation. I was amazed by His love. I marveled at His goodness. What happened to that? It was because of that grace, gratitude, love and faith that transformed me. Am I being spiritually attacked? For God's reasons, of course. A preacher said on the radio, "You are too worldly to be godly but you are also too godly to be worldly so you become stuck in the middle, lost and can't enjoy anything." My heart is being split. My whole world is about ministry. But I find my heart in want. I want I want I want. Always demanding. Maybe my sinful nature is pulling me towards worldliness. I am struggling so hard against so many things in my mind and my heart. Since the foster children have left, I have sort of plunged into something. I have not allowed myself to cry. I have not allowed myself to grief I don't believe. I have not allowed myself to plunge into depression (like after housing a lady who needed help last year.) I was able to come out of the depression last time after what felt like forever but actually just 3 months when I hit the bottom, understanding it was either coming out of it or medication. And medication seemed preposterous to me. 

Let's stop for a minute to talk about this. Because by this time, my friends, or random people, would usually ask, have you thought of saying no. 

YES I HAVE. DURING and AFTER the situation. But when God hands you an adventure.......... sigh

Per my BFF's request, I am taking a moment to look up the stages of grief.