grief

Surprisingly I have not allowed myself to grieve till today. The idea of going through grief for "losing" a baby that was not mine seemed ridiculous so my brain was stopping me from doing it. Anyway, I am now going through classic depression. Not feeling hungry, sleeping in, sleeping late, not being excited, feeling glum etc. After my cry, I feel better. I will be monitoring my progress. This psalm has been floating in me. I am learning to trust God further and deeper. Will I continue to follow Him and trust Him even though nothing made sense to me? Will I continue to put my faith in Him as I doubt His sovereignty? Have I lost perspective as I "suffer" and "surrender all"? For the past couple of years, the theme of surrendering all to Jesus have opened a portal to allowing God into everything.  

Psalm 1
Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.
He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; for the LORD knows the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish.

spiraling

I have stopped understanding my emotions. I signed up for Soul Care at our church but because it is almost Christmas and New Years, I am on the waiting list and no one can counsel me through it. Jesus is the wonderful counselor. I know. What can He do for my soul? I know all the answers. He can. He is able. But, I am having a hard time right now with having faith and He does not heal those who does not have faith. Right? I have no doubt I am born again. I know He has given me the Holy Spirit. I am just a rebellious little Asian right now, bitter at all the hardships I have been through. Of course, He reminds me, that I am the one who prayed to learn what it is like to surrender it all a year back. Well, I learned it and I don't like it. The idea is heroic, and beautiful, and grand. But I don't like it. It is only for people who can be like Christ. I can only be like Christ up to a very small degree. Blame it on my sinful nature and my stubborn, selfish ways. I look at Jesus and I look at me and I feel inadequate to be His follower.  I don't think that's right. When I was a new Christian 12 years ago, I saw my sin and saw Jesus' perfection and I saw His grace. I was grateful for His salvation. I was amazed by His love. I marveled at His goodness. What happened to that? It was because of that grace, gratitude, love and faith that transformed me. Am I being spiritually attacked? For God's reasons, of course. A preacher said on the radio, "You are too worldly to be godly but you are also too godly to be worldly so you become stuck in the middle, lost and can't enjoy anything." My heart is being split. My whole world is about ministry. But I find my heart in want. I want I want I want. Always demanding. Maybe my sinful nature is pulling me towards worldliness. I am struggling so hard against so many things in my mind and my heart. Since the foster children have left, I have sort of plunged into something. I have not allowed myself to cry. I have not allowed myself to grief I don't believe. I have not allowed myself to plunge into depression (like after housing a lady who needed help last year.) I was able to come out of the depression last time after what felt like forever but actually just 3 months when I hit the bottom, understanding it was either coming out of it or medication. And medication seemed preposterous to me. 

Let's stop for a minute to talk about this. Because by this time, my friends, or random people, would usually ask, have you thought of saying no. 

YES I HAVE. DURING and AFTER the situation. But when God hands you an adventure.......... sigh

Per my BFF's request, I am taking a moment to look up the stages of grief.

Loss

I am going to try to document the emotions that run through our family and me. If I suppress them, I will go into a spiral down toward hopelessness.

Guilt. I personally felt guilt at first. I love working with children. NO children should have to suffer. Especially innocent babies. I wanted to keep them and felt guilt as I knew when we made the decision to hand them back that I can still serve them well and continue our work with them. HOWEVER, guilt has melted away as I remember God's sovereignty. If I am guilty of something, then God is too, and God is not. He knows all things, sees all things, hears all things, and is sovereign over all things. He is not guilty in His order and confirmation that we are to hand the children back. We trust Him fully even if it hurts us and our reputation momentarily. Guilt is sometimes prompted by the desire to please people instead of God. I choose to please God.

Sadness. We all felt profound sadness hovering over the house. We have been counseling and helping the kids process their emotions. It's hard to watch your children be sad HOWEVER, it has been a blessing to go through this together as family.

Loss. The sadness became heavier and it became clear we are experiencing loss. We are grieving and healing as we give ourselves to the LORD. He brought those children here for a season and for a reason. We have seen the baby go from failure to thrive, to starting to pull up and cruise the day he left. We have seen the big brother go from dark circles under his eyes and depressed, to smiling and well rested. So much work, time, love, cooking, thought, care, prayers, stress, etc put into those children. They filled up the house to the rim with their presence, their beds, their toys, their laughter, their cries. Now there is just the 5 of us again. We will not get to see the fruit of our labor. We will probably never see them again. HOWEVER, it has drawn each of us so much closer to one another and to the LORD for He experienced the loss of His beloved creation when the fall of man occurred in Genesis. He experienced loss over and over again with Israel as the Hebrew people left Him for other gods. He went through another loss as His own Son died on the cross to claim victory over sin, death and Satan. If this is how we may identify with God more and gain security for our identity in Him, we are willing to carry this legacy of suffering.

Empty of heart

Ironically, this was seen 30 minutes after foster children came back to us from Thanksgiving. I have to say we expected it. 

Heartless, is an adjective that means "displaying a complete lack of feeling or consideration". 

If this wasn't meant for me and my family, great. No biggie. If this was, then there is a list I'd like to address:

1. If taking in strangers into our home is heartless, then yes, we have been heartless many times for so many years. 

2. If serving those who are not able to give back is heartless, then please, give us all name tags with the word on it. 

3. If feeding strangers is heartless, well ok, just stamp the word heartless on our foreheads. 

4. If the ministry of taking care of children who were hurt by those closest is heartless, ha, chisel the word upon our veins. 

5. If dealing with difficult pushy people who were not up front with facts, with admonition, love, and grace is heartless, let it be, burn the word on our lips. 

6. If giving speech and physical therapy to a baby around the clock until he is caught up in his development is heartless, wow, punch that word into my ears. 

7. If standing up for children's well being is heartless, fine, then label us completely heartless. 

8. If fighting for children's right to live, grow, and develop healthily is heartless, I am, I am , I am.

9. If standing and agreeing with many doctors to proclaim "stop labeling your child as defected when he isn't" to avoid a life long label is heartless, let it be, carve that word into our backs.

10. If refusing to hand children to people I don't trust is heartless, isn't that funny, go ahead and scream at us about being heartless. 

11. If homeschooling strangers' developmentally delayed child due to codependency is heartless, I have nothing to defend against, I have no beating heart.

12. If fostering for free with no compensation at all due to "fictive kinship placement" and not expecting anything in return is heartless, we have been duped, we have no blood pumping through our veins. 

13. If taking care of strangers' children with TLC when they come back sick with diarrhea and/or vomit from every visitation is heartless, sure, we are heartless to the core. 

14. If following professional advices to feed the baby more formula instead of pumping him with solids is heartless, yay, we are so heartless we must have cut out our own hearts.

15. If nursing your baby back to life and health when he came to us with failure to thrive, unwilling to drink formula, not sleeping through the night, not crawling, not cooing, not pushing up, not standing up, filled with eczema, not signing, not sitting up at all, terrified of peekaboo, is heartless, I agree, hearts are absent from our souls. 

16. If limiting sugars and cooking healthy meals for children is heartless, man, we are the most heartless of all. 

17. If teaching an older child who mistakenly blamed younger siblings for their misfortune, to hug, kiss, love, and be gentle to younger siblings by word and example is heartless, right again, we are heartless as crustaceans. 

18. If helping children discover what they love to do and passionate about is heartless, I am as heartless as any other teacher.

19. If noticing a child's anxiety and saying No to his stress eating till he is sick in the stomach is heartless, arrest me for being heartless.

20. If limiting screen time so children can be creative, learn how to read, learn how to manage their time, learn how to play with others, is heartless, just maybe, my heart has been drained of its blood.

21. If taking out solids to figure out what a child is allergic to step by step is heartless and have to fight certain people for them to stop solids to figure it out is heartless, yeah, we are heartless all right.

22. If praying over and with children to return home and trust in the Lord no matter what is heartless, we are indeed the worst people on earth and don't even have livers or kidneys. 

23. If protecting one's family, marriage, children, and ministry, from the tornado of personal problems that need professional counsel to fix is heartless, we are the worst and heartless protectors ever.

24. If obeying our Lord Jesus after careful fasting, prayer, and consideration, even though we don't quite understand, and it is difficult to do and goes against our instincts is heartless, then we are just being as heartless as Jesus is.

We are guilty of being heartless if heartless is defined as such, completely guilty. No arguments there.

There are always two sides to a coin. Never be simple minded and only listen and believe in one side of a story without thinking for oneself. Thank you Jesus for Your Grace. Without Your grace we would not have had the privilege to know and help these children and their family. Under Your sovereignty we now hand them back knowing that You have greater plans for them and their families. Thank You that You in our infinite wisdom allowed us to see the truth and to understand Your love for these children. Thank You for being our Defender, our Shield, and our Refuge. We will stand firm in Your truths and promises, and continue in our ministries in the name of Your Son and for Your Kingdom. You are the God of all things and all people and all kingdoms. No one is like you. Your understanding surpasses ours and Your ways are beyond our ways. I truthfully cannot say I look forward to our next adventure because these adventures are so many times filled with suffering. But I thank You from the deepest parts of my heart knowing that these times of sufferings draw me only closer to You as You show me the legacy of pain You are going through since the fall of man. I praise You and will continue to be hospitable to those who are homeless, fatherless, childless, faithless, heartless, and thankless. We will choose to be thankful, purposeful, faithful, hopeful, and spirit-filled. 



1Thessalonians 5:12-28 

We ask you, brothers, to respect those who labor among you and are over you in the Lord and admonish you, and to esteem them very highly in love because of their work. Be at peace among yourselves. And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil.
Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

Brothers, pray for us.

Greet all the brothers with a holy kiss.

I put you under oath before the Lord to have this letter read to all the brothers.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

Happy Birthday :)

Another case

We are going through another case of codependent victim mindset manipulative controller backlash. No, I am not name calling. It is an actual psycho diagnosis and label. It is never fun to cross someone like that. But we have learned to give it to God. I hope we have. We have to end our kinship foster placement because of that. This will help the children's caseworkers help the family and the children in the long run because codependency is more than just depending on one another. It is a debilitating cycle that does not end. It passes on from generation to generation as one generation victimizes the next. It's better to get backlash than to allow that to go on. We were feeling all sorts of bad sending the kids on visitations, so why not feel bad while we help them and their families get professional help at the same time? We did this placement without anything in return, and we still do not expect anything in return. We just know that total surrender to God means letting the children go this time. Because if God brought them to us so we can help them, God will still be with them as our job ends here. Keeping them will be disobedience. That is all I know. Do I feel guilty? Yes. Do I feel horrible? Yes. Do I feel pain for the kids? Yes. It's terrible. It is a disgusting feeling to have to send children away. No child will ever suffer again when Jesus comes back. That's what I keep remembering. Children suffer mostly not because of their doing, but because of the sins of the adults around them. It is so sad. There is nothing I can do but to obey God. If we disobey, we jeopardize everything. We jeopardize our relationships with God, with each other, with our kids, and jeopardize our future, our ministries, and our health, mental, physical, and emotional. The unhealthiness was bleeding into our family life and it was not good. I am really glad and thankful God allowed me to experience the other case years ago so we know how to deal with this healthily. Our priority is still to God and to our family. I am sorry the foster kids have to suffer. All kids and adults suffer because this is a sinful world. We all are damaged goods that need Jesus. We are just damaged in different ways. Sin is our common enemy. Not one another.

All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender All

Isaac asked why Jesus gives us circumstances He knows we don't want to be in and work He knows we don't want to do. I cheated and sang "I surrender all" to him. Over a year ago, I asked our Father to show me what "surrender all" actually means. What this "All" is... It's been over a year and He has only shown me the tip of the iceberg. I certainly didn't expect it to bleed into my children's lives either. 

Surrendering is a coin. It has two sides. 

One side is like flying a white flag during battle. Hey I am surrendering cuz you overpower me. I'm ok with it because I am choosing to surrender. Hope you don't kill me after I surrender or take me prisoner.

The other side is like Elijah. Hey I am a fleeing prophet cuz you are my King and you chose me to do this job. If I were to choose, I'd live in the palace with food and drink. I would have been so happy. But you got to choose and I didn't get to choose. You chose me and now I choose to surrender everything I am to do what you chose for me to do and what life you chose for me to live. I don't like being chased by these evil people but I must continue to run from them. I don't like having to be isolated from the other prophets and live in the desert even though you are feeding me and providing a stream of water during a famine and drought. I don't like having to keep reaching out and helping people who reject you. I don't like being depressed and hurting even though You comfort me and sustain me. It is really cool to see You beat the prophets of Baal at Mount Carmel. And it's really awesome to know rain was coming while no one else did. We do really cool stuff together. You are a good God and I hate having to go through this hard stuff but You shall choose for me what I should do. You shall choose for me where I live. You shall choose for me whom I serve. You shall choose for me. I surrender my right to choose for myself.

God is not my enemy. I am not flying a white flag. I guess I am Elijah then. Learning this lesson has not been fun but it has been adventurous. It has been the most emotional, spiritually exhausting, frustrating, and difficult growing pain ever.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday to an Unbelievable Daddy and Husband.

You are the head and heart of this family. We just wanted to make you laugh. Hope you enjoyed it. We love you so much.

Yes you should be enraged

Babies are humans. There is never a reason good enough to kill an innocent defenseless human being. 

I couldn't run, couldn't run from His presence

More of you, Less of me, Make me who I'm meant to be

Where will you go, child? To where will you run?

WOW

Cow milk and Hormones

This article is interesting. Research done at Harvard. It's very preliminary.

The Cross has made me flawless

Persevere, Christian Soldiers

Philippians Chapter1

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

30 days to overturn

“If… I ever joined an opinion for the Court that began, ‘The Constitution promises liberty to all within its reach, a liberty that includes certain specific rights that allow persons, within a lawful realm, to define and express their identity,’ I would hide my head in a bag. The Supreme Court of the United States has descended from the disciplined legal reasoning of John Marshall and Joseph Story to the mystical aphorisms of the fortune cookie.”

— Justice Antonin Scalia, in his dissent of the marriage ruling

for King and Country Shoulders

Before today, we had the freedom to disagree with the world and believe what God said of sexual immorality. Today, that changed. We no longer have the freedom to.

No matter what, God is our country, our peace, and our King. He is for us, for our sanctification, for our good just as we are for Him, for His statutes, and in His service. LORD God, please have mercy on us.

Historic moment for America? Over flags..............

I don't understand why everyone is making a huge deal about THE flag. Granted, I am from Asia but if the media and general public started to do the same with the Christian flag, or the LGBT flag, or the Jewish flag, or the Islamic flag, how would you respond? It is not about flags, it is about the freedom to fly any flag... Here is another moment in history to redefine tolerance for America and we are bowing down to opinions instead of upholding liberty. America is becoming more and more like my communist home.

Welcome home Daddy!

It's been 2 weeks and today is the slowest day of forever because we are waiting for you to come home! Here's what we did while we were waiting....







Practice video

MIA again......

SO much has been happening. I have sorta returned to a hand written journal, and waking at 6a. I am currently reading Elise Fitzpatrick's Overcoming fears, worries, and anxiety. I am about half way. The book has been very helpful. I am right now listening to Tchaikovsky again and I found an interesting and unique interpretation. I think I like it LOL. I admire how passionate Pogorelich is and find his fortissimo to be invigorating. He is his own musician, a modern Beethoven. Anyway, back to life. I'll be back.

Missing in Action

Wow I cannot believe how long I have been M.I.A! My computer keeled over and we just didn't fix it for almost a year. Ha! I guess I didn't really need it that much. Lots have happened since 2013. I sort of listed what has happened where I posted my new songs. The Lord gave me 3 songs in India and I have just finished recording all of them. I had a hard time recording 2 of those because I wanted them perfect. I put them down for 3 months when I got frustrated. I only uploaded 2 tonight. I will upload my 3rd tomorrow.

"I know I have been M.I.A. for almost a year. The computer keeled over one night a year ago and we didn't get it fixed till the beginning for this summer. It was a good time. The Lord called me on a trip, Abigail was baptized in November, adopted a dog, God spoke to my husband about adopting while I was in India, He used me to tell the gospel at my job, Esther accepted Christ one night in April, Isaac learned how to glorify God in his gymnastics meets, Phil took an interim pastor position, got promoted at the seminary, etc etc etc... No, the Lord has not stopped teaching me and I have not stopped learning! ..."

Anyway, check them out right here:

http://www.akouwtheos-singloud.blogspot.com/

I wanna hold your hand

Did you know that otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away from one another?

I did not either! My sweet husband sent me this today because we sometimes hold hands to fall asleep at night.

This also reminded me how much I should want to hold on to Christ, that even as I put my head down on a pillow, I should grab onto Him and say "I don't want to drift apart from You." Every day, as I go about my business and my busyness, I still want Him to hold onto me and not let me drift apart from Him. This is how sweet my Savior is.

LORD, I wanna hold Your hand. I want to be close to You and follow You. AMEN.

Lessons of surrender

As a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, there is one difficult thing (out of many) I have committed myself to grow in and apply in my life continuously. When I was saved a decade ago, I surrendered myself unto Christ in my car, in a parking lot. I did not know I was surrendering, but, I remember raising a white flag, screaming "This is it! I want this to be over! Take over, Jesus, I am at the end of myself!" When I think of that moment in my life, words like depressing, heart wrenching, hopeless, come in mind.

And yet, that moment was followed immediately by the words, Overwhelming Awe, Inexpressible Joy, Unfathomable Grace, and Unconditional Love. A life of healing and new hope had finally begun for me... miraculously... supernaturally.

Do you have a story, a testimony similar to mine? A moment where Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, swept you off your feet and claim you as His own when you were collapsing into a sea of deeper sorrow? Are you still walking close to the Lord today?

For those who believe this is some stage or phase people like us go through....

10 years later, He has not forsaken me. 10 years after that awful and awesome moment, I can testify the Bible is filled with the promises and love letters from God. He is the one true and living God who has been personally ministering to me, providing for me, teaching me, challenging me, testing me, walking with me, encouraging me, disciplining me, and empowering me. 

Through endless life experiences of joy, miracles, fulfillment, harvest, grief, disappointment, rejection, mockery, etc, the true art of surrendering is learned, relearned, applied, and reapplied, till I am again, close to Him as He tells me, "That's it. You got it. Keep coming." 

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Without the understanding of true surrender, I would never have understood the direct connection between suffering and healing, struggles and victory, slavery and freedom. In the dictionary, the word "surrender" simply means to yield yourself over  In Christian terms, we forgo the desires, control, and ownership of ourselves to a living and loving God. So many of us forget, that as we forgo all these things, the Holy Spirit is meant to take over completely, and therefore, conforming us to the image of Christ, the epitome of suffering and healing!  

When we think of the word "suffering", the adjective "bad" always pops up in our mind. It is only normal. I, on the other hand, would like to prove and persuade anyone who is willing to seek this matter with me, that the word "suffering" needs to be understood and perceived as "good". Not as in enjoyable, but as in a character of God.


Jump to Romans 5:1-5 where in verse 3, the word "suffering" was used twice. In Greek, it was actually the word Thlipsis, which means tribulation and persecution. This sounds much more physical than Harmozo. The author stated that the Christians glory, kauchaomai, boasted, in their "suffering" and that this "suffering" produced perseverance. Sounds again like "suffering" is good! Why would "suffering" be producing a fruit of the Spirit, and why else would they boast in it?


Romans 8:13-39 is another great passage. It speaks of a "suffering" that joins Christ and us in verse 17, and a "suffering" that is endured in verse 18. Sumpaschó in verse 17, simply means suffer together. If we suffer together with Christ, we prove we are actually in His legacy, and when we do so, we also share in His glory. Umm, again, good! This next word in verse 18, pathéma, is a strong term. This suffering is a passion, a zeal, an agony that comes from within. This suffering comes from knowing Christ and wanting to be purged of sin. This kind of "suffering", as stated by the author, leads to a glory that has no comparison, and that glory would be revealed in us because of this "suffering". GOOD!

Now, read Acts 5:25-42 and pay special attention to verse 41.  The Greek word, Harmozo, was used in verse 41 as the verb "to suffer".  "Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." Harmozo means betrothed, to fit in, to join oneself in.  These apostles rejoiced  and were counted worthy because now that they had been persecuted, they were now dishonored with Christ! And, it was good. Why else were they rejoicing and counted as worthy?

There are so many more evidence in the rest of the Bible, that "suffering" indeed is good because it brings us closer to the Goal, the Perfecter of our faith, our Savior. Apart from our desire to be like Him, our suffering would be met with hostility and anger, perceived as pointless, and wasted! Let us surrender every day fully unto Jesus, the one who suffered for us and reconciled us with His Father. Learn to fall apart spiritually instead of physically! Put your hands up and put down the things you are holding on to. Get on your knees and beg for His Spirit to turn your heart into flesh. Grieve, be in agony, mourn until He shows you how to heal. 

1. Read James 1:5-27 Seek to be humble and ask Him to open your eyes to displeasing impurities you are holding onto

2. Read James 2:1-13 Examine your thoughts and motives for everything you do. Get rid of things in your schedule you know are taking your focus from the Lord.

3. Read James 3 Are you a teacher? Reign your tongue! Do not allow human wisdom to take over your brain, but allow God's wisdom from the bible take over all of your body. Pursue righteousness.

4. Read James 4 Surrender! Grieve and mourn for yourself. Put down everything that is not godly today and run towards godliness. 

5. Read James 5 Surrender not just to God but to one another. Confess your sins and ask for healing. Healing cannot happen if there is no understanding or confession. 

LORD Jesus, allow me to gain in my suffering! Teach me to draw close to You as You continue to teach me to live more abundantly. May Your Spirit abide in me and stir up a thirst in zeal, passion, and understanding. Without You, I am nothing. AMEN.

Kings and Queens