So, what is this about?
It started with an intense fellowship (a godly euphemism for a productive fight) we had three weeks ago on our date night. What is the big deal? Well, this was my complaint.
Honey, you are helping too much around the house.
I understand some of you do not struggle with homemaking, chores, or asking for your husbands' help. If you are one of these people, you don't need to read this blog... (unless you are curious). If you are, you are welcome to read on. And, let this be on the record, that this has nothing to do with the training of our children. Our children have to do their share of dishes, laundry, floors, vacuum etc. It is not about becoming your children's slave.
Phill is a sweet man. He grew up a chef's son and literally lived in a restaurant growing up for a few years because there was no money for a house. Having grown up in Hong Kong, I had Philippino maids who practically raised me and I had no idea how to cook, do laundry, clean, or make my bed. For the first year, he gained so much weight from eating out often and my occasional baked chicken with spaghetti and veggies. We were both working because, honestly, living in Miami drowned us financially, and I never had the time or energy to read or learn or seek godly counsel about this area. The LORD knew this had to change. We knew our life had to change. We were miserable.
I will never forget that season of our lives. If you are a follower of Christ, you know what I am talking about. The seasons when God's hands are apparent in our lives. They are spectacular. This season was one of them. Moving to Texas was the best thing that happened to our marriage and family in every single way. The move challenged us to lay everything down to be sharpened by Him. Phill, throughout these years in seminary, has grown exceedingly out of my wildest dreams as a godly man. We knew since the beginning of our marriage we desire to homeschool our children, so when we moved, we agreed Phill would become the only source of income for the family. In the first few years in seminary, we lived in an apartment. I was determined to learn to cook, bake, sew, throw dinner parties, organize, clean the fridge, etc etc. you name it. I read many books on biblical womanhood and books based on "proverbs 31". How many books do you have on those topics? ;)
Then, to be honest, I became discouraged after a couple of years. I am a musician, a teacher,... I am not gifted in hospitality or housework. My efforts did not changed who I am, it only made me do these things in spurts because I felt bad not being the housekeeper I needed to be for my family. When we moved to an actual house, I thought, now, I could throw more parties. Maybe, now, I will cook more often with this full size gas stove. The opposite happened, I gave up. Phill is so much better at cooking and doing dishes, I just let him do it all when we have company over. If I were not at the stove when he comes home, he just fires up the stove and cooks dinner. I loved it. I was happy about it for a couple of years. He never complains because he loves to cook, and, he always tells me he loves to spoils me. How did he train for triathlons, preach itinerantly , spend time with our children, and graduate from his masters? I don't know. But, he did. So? what is the problem?
I am glad you asked. Here it is.
A memo from the other side of the fence
The more my husband helped me with my role, the less happy and fulfilled I was.
I was convicted about giving up my opportunities to become the wife described in God's Word! Before this blog gets thrown out the window... Hear me out here, ladies. This was what our intense fellowship was about. In the two years that I had his help, I was not getting better at being a home manager. My goal as a woman was getting a bit fuzzy and my heart was wandering to busy myself with things I was not called to do. I was taking Phill for granted because of the way he grew up, he had no expectations for me as a wife. Obviously, we had to discuss this issue, understanding that he has to have some sort of expectation to the role of a godly wife, and not to be afraid to list them to me just because he does not want to be disappointed.
I desire with my whole heart to be the woman God calls me to be. Don't you all?
Titus 2 is clear. THIS is sound doctrine, (v.1) that we, as women, need to be "reverent in the way we live" (v.3). Reverent, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, can be defined in two essence: reverent as in respectable; or, reverent as in worshipful. I believe we need to be both respectable and worshipful in the way we live. I want my life to be a song, written to glorify our LORD. How?
Verse 3b, we are "not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good." Let's break this down. First, we are not to say anything we don't want to be held accountable for or judged for. Romans 2:16 You know when there is an ant hill near you when you see a trail of ants. You can always trace these ants back to their habitat. When people slander, they are like an ant hill, sending out ants, leaving trails everywhere for everyone to see, examine, poke at. What happens to these ants and the colony when they are found out? Let's just say they get into the defensive mode quickly and then get annihilated.
Second, as believers, we live in a world where alcohol is not a big deal. What does God's Word say? Let me quote just this one, because this makes too much sense. "Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more." Prov 31:6,7 We, as believing, godly women who seek the LORD, do not need to drink. Our mind need to be sound and alert at all times because the Enemy is always around. 1 Pet. 5:8
Last one... This is always tricky. What is "good", exactly? I believe Phill, in his latest sermon nailed it. He demonstrated in Amos 5:14-15 that when we seek goodness, we find God. He is not just a good God but He encompasses goodness Himself. Goodness does not contain even a speck of evil in it: a Christ-seeking heart without evil intent, evil thought, evil eye, evil speech etc. And... "teach what is good", so that, as women, we can teach younger women, and be the younger women who are "urge[d] to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, to be busy at home, to be kind, and be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God." (Titus 2:4,5) Lord Jesus, I don't want anyone to malign Your word and Your reputation because of me. Teach me to focus on You as You continue to mold me into the woman of Your Word. I want to live the role You have gifted me with so I can be a blessing to my family.
So, since our intense fellowship.... I started making a checklist of things I need him to do around the house on a dry erase board. Anything not on the list? My job. Do I always shine my sink before I sleep? No. Maybe 60% of the time. Do I cook every day? No. Maybe 80% of the time. But Phill leaves everything up to me to give me a chance to improve as a wife and I feel great! I can fail any expectation but the Lord does not see that. God sees me as a gal who is striving to be a woman of His Word.
From a living example who has been on the other side of the fence:
Next time, when you get frustrated and start to gripe about needing your husband's help for household chores, remember this: it is okay. It is okay things do not look perfectly perfect. This is your training ground as a woman of God who does battle with the World, its Prince, and its dominions, a training ground for your children to see that the most important thing in your life is that you are striving to become the woman He desires for you to be. He does not see the messy rooms, the dirty sink, the disorganized pantry, or the muddy floors. Don't so easily give that up for any man's help. Our LORD your God sees a Proverbs 31 woman in the making. :-)
