The Perfect Storm

There is a need to document what is happening. When I began to experience a spiritual rest and mountain top high with the Lord a few months ago, I started to wonder what is next to come for our family. A bit excited but a bit cautious. When God prepares me this way, I knew something big is going to happen. He was building me up this time to receive something humungous. Something bigger than anything that has happened in several years.

In April, I typed up an entry entitled "New Leaf". The spiritual healing and rest happened 2 months after grieving what happened in our short fostering season. It is now almost August. Troubles started 3 weeks ago in mid July. Van needs a couple thousand bucks worth of repairing. That was fine cuz who needs air conditioned transportation? Who needs a van?

Then, our zucchini plants were attacked by squash borers, 11/13 plants died. Gardening and eating our own harvest is a big deal. Food is expensive!

Then I got a letter about my professional teaching certificate renewal that I needed not 2 but 3 credits of SWD classes.

Then, a few days ago, our one income has been exterminated. Without warning. Even though people could have warned people out of compassion or mercy or whatever.

Then some guy decides to fight another guy in my husband's office where he was on his last two weeks to where a police report had to be filed.

Today, I opened our library account, $25.99 for a lost book we did not lose. REALLY?!

Anyway, Satan is whipping up a perfect storm for us. He sure is having fun. Last time Phil left overseas, I remember another perfect storm. I might have recorded it, I might not have. But I remember it. Someone does not want God's work to be done.

God has a huge plan for us and He has allowed Satan to sift us. There's something that needs to be sifted so... we submit to it. The Lord will deliver us through it, or out of it, or into glory. But I prayed days ago, that when I became a Christian, I knew. I surrendered my all then, and I am never backing out. I am going to serve the Lord with my life. No matter where, how, when, etc There is nothing else that's worth doing. Everything in the world will fade. I don't want to work for things that fade. I don't want to waste the one life God gave me.

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust in
In His presence daily give
I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Jesus I surrender
I surrender ALL

I am giving Him all. No reservations.

Here is a list of what I treasure.
my future, my husband, my kids, my gifts and talents, friends, my phone, my wifi, my laptop, my rights, money, my pride, my desire to get a masters, leading worship, writing music, my ambitions, my health...

More will happen. The perfect storm will come. But after the storm,... promises. The day after we lost our main income, people kept sending me pics of rainbows they saw after some rain. Coincidence? I think not. Reassurance. Reassurance that I am the apple of God's eye, the daughter of the KING, princess of God, His most worthy possession, His trophy, Jesus's bride,... that I am taken care of, much more important than the sparrows and the flowers of the fields.

After the sifting, after the perfect storm dies down, God will rain down His mercy, grace, and blessings on us. He will take care of everything and we will not be forgotten. That's what Satan wants us to believe, that we are forgotten in this time of need. No. God has not forgotten about us. And if Satan hasn't forgotten about us either and has asked to sift us, that's actually pretty good news for us as Christians. We will make Jesus famous.

Amen and Amen.

All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender All

Isaac asked why Jesus gives us circumstances He knows we don't want to be in and work He knows we don't want to do. I cheated and sang "I surrender all" to him. Over a year ago, I asked our Father to show me what "surrender all" actually means. What this "All" is... It's been over a year and He has only shown me the tip of the iceberg. I certainly didn't expect it to bleed into my children's lives either. 

Surrendering is a coin. It has two sides. 

One side is like flying a white flag during battle. Hey I am surrendering cuz you overpower me. I'm ok with it because I am choosing to surrender. Hope you don't kill me after I surrender or take me prisoner.

The other side is like Elijah. Hey I am a fleeing prophet cuz you are my King and you chose me to do this job. If I were to choose, I'd live in the palace with food and drink. I would have been so happy. But you got to choose and I didn't get to choose. You chose me and now I choose to surrender everything I am to do what you chose for me to do and what life you chose for me to live. I don't like being chased by these evil people but I must continue to run from them. I don't like having to be isolated from the other prophets and live in the desert even though you are feeding me and providing a stream of water during a famine and drought. I don't like having to keep reaching out and helping people who reject you. I don't like being depressed and hurting even though You comfort me and sustain me. It is really cool to see You beat the prophets of Baal at Mount Carmel. And it's really awesome to know rain was coming while no one else did. We do really cool stuff together. You are a good God and I hate having to go through this hard stuff but You shall choose for me what I should do. You shall choose for me where I live. You shall choose for me whom I serve. You shall choose for me. I surrender my right to choose for myself.

God is not my enemy. I am not flying a white flag. I guess I am Elijah then. Learning this lesson has not been fun but it has been adventurous. It has been the most emotional, spiritually exhausting, frustrating, and difficult growing pain ever.

I wanna hold your hand

Did you know that otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away from one another?

I did not either! My sweet husband sent me this today because we sometimes hold hands to fall asleep at night.

This also reminded me how much I should want to hold on to Christ, that even as I put my head down on a pillow, I should grab onto Him and say "I don't want to drift apart from You." Every day, as I go about my business and my busyness, I still want Him to hold onto me and not let me drift apart from Him. This is how sweet my Savior is.

LORD, I wanna hold Your hand. I want to be close to You and follow You. AMEN.

Lessons of surrender

As a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, there is one difficult thing (out of many) I have committed myself to grow in and apply in my life continuously. When I was saved a decade ago, I surrendered myself unto Christ in my car, in a parking lot. I did not know I was surrendering, but, I remember raising a white flag, screaming "This is it! I want this to be over! Take over, Jesus, I am at the end of myself!" When I think of that moment in my life, words like depressing, heart wrenching, hopeless, come in mind.

And yet, that moment was followed immediately by the words, Overwhelming Awe, Inexpressible Joy, Unfathomable Grace, and Unconditional Love. A life of healing and new hope had finally begun for me... miraculously... supernaturally.

Do you have a story, a testimony similar to mine? A moment where Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, swept you off your feet and claim you as His own when you were collapsing into a sea of deeper sorrow? Are you still walking close to the Lord today?

For those who believe this is some stage or phase people like us go through....

10 years later, He has not forsaken me. 10 years after that awful and awesome moment, I can testify the Bible is filled with the promises and love letters from God. He is the one true and living God who has been personally ministering to me, providing for me, teaching me, challenging me, testing me, walking with me, encouraging me, disciplining me, and empowering me. 

Through endless life experiences of joy, miracles, fulfillment, harvest, grief, disappointment, rejection, mockery, etc, the true art of surrendering is learned, relearned, applied, and reapplied, till I am again, close to Him as He tells me, "That's it. You got it. Keep coming." 

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Without the understanding of true surrender, I would never have understood the direct connection between suffering and healing, struggles and victory, slavery and freedom. In the dictionary, the word "surrender" simply means to yield yourself over  In Christian terms, we forgo the desires, control, and ownership of ourselves to a living and loving God. So many of us forget, that as we forgo all these things, the Holy Spirit is meant to take over completely, and therefore, conforming us to the image of Christ, the epitome of suffering and healing!  

When we think of the word "suffering", the adjective "bad" always pops up in our mind. It is only normal. I, on the other hand, would like to prove and persuade anyone who is willing to seek this matter with me, that the word "suffering" needs to be understood and perceived as "good". Not as in enjoyable, but as in a character of God.


Jump to Romans 5:1-5 where in verse 3, the word "suffering" was used twice. In Greek, it was actually the word Thlipsis, which means tribulation and persecution. This sounds much more physical than Harmozo. The author stated that the Christians glory, kauchaomai, boasted, in their "suffering" and that this "suffering" produced perseverance. Sounds again like "suffering" is good! Why would "suffering" be producing a fruit of the Spirit, and why else would they boast in it?


Romans 8:13-39 is another great passage. It speaks of a "suffering" that joins Christ and us in verse 17, and a "suffering" that is endured in verse 18. Sumpaschó in verse 17, simply means suffer together. If we suffer together with Christ, we prove we are actually in His legacy, and when we do so, we also share in His glory. Umm, again, good! This next word in verse 18, pathéma, is a strong term. This suffering is a passion, a zeal, an agony that comes from within. This suffering comes from knowing Christ and wanting to be purged of sin. This kind of "suffering", as stated by the author, leads to a glory that has no comparison, and that glory would be revealed in us because of this "suffering". GOOD!

Now, read Acts 5:25-42 and pay special attention to verse 41.  The Greek word, Harmozo, was used in verse 41 as the verb "to suffer".  "Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." Harmozo means betrothed, to fit in, to join oneself in.  These apostles rejoiced  and were counted worthy because now that they had been persecuted, they were now dishonored with Christ! And, it was good. Why else were they rejoicing and counted as worthy?

There are so many more evidence in the rest of the Bible, that "suffering" indeed is good because it brings us closer to the Goal, the Perfecter of our faith, our Savior. Apart from our desire to be like Him, our suffering would be met with hostility and anger, perceived as pointless, and wasted! Let us surrender every day fully unto Jesus, the one who suffered for us and reconciled us with His Father. Learn to fall apart spiritually instead of physically! Put your hands up and put down the things you are holding on to. Get on your knees and beg for His Spirit to turn your heart into flesh. Grieve, be in agony, mourn until He shows you how to heal. 

1. Read James 1:5-27 Seek to be humble and ask Him to open your eyes to displeasing impurities you are holding onto

2. Read James 2:1-13 Examine your thoughts and motives for everything you do. Get rid of things in your schedule you know are taking your focus from the Lord.

3. Read James 3 Are you a teacher? Reign your tongue! Do not allow human wisdom to take over your brain, but allow God's wisdom from the bible take over all of your body. Pursue righteousness.

4. Read James 4 Surrender! Grieve and mourn for yourself. Put down everything that is not godly today and run towards godliness. 

5. Read James 5 Surrender not just to God but to one another. Confess your sins and ask for healing. Healing cannot happen if there is no understanding or confession. 

LORD Jesus, allow me to gain in my suffering! Teach me to draw close to You as You continue to teach me to live more abundantly. May Your Spirit abide in me and stir up a thirst in zeal, passion, and understanding. Without You, I am nothing. AMEN.

A lengthy memo from the other side of the fence

So, what is this about?

It started with an intense fellowship (a godly euphemism for a productive fight) we had three weeks ago on our date night. What is the big deal? Well, this was my complaint.

Honey, you are helping too much around the house.

I understand some of you do not struggle with homemaking, chores, or asking for your husbands' help. If you are one of these people, you don't need to read this blog... (unless you are curious). If you are, you are welcome to read on. And, let this be on the record, that this has nothing to do with the training of our children. Our children have to do their share of dishes, laundry, floors, vacuum etc. It is not about becoming your children's slave.

Phill is a sweet man. He grew up a chef's son and literally lived in a restaurant growing up for a few years because there was no money for a house. Having grown up in Hong Kong, I had Philippino maids who practically raised me and I had no idea how to cook, do laundry, clean, or make my bed. For the first year, he gained so much weight from eating out often and my occasional baked chicken with spaghetti and veggies. We were both working because, honestly, living in Miami drowned us financially, and I never had the time or energy to read or learn or seek godly counsel about this area. The LORD knew this had to change. We knew our life had to change. We were miserable.

I will never forget that season of our lives. If you are a follower of Christ, you know what I am talking about. The seasons when God's hands are apparent in our lives. They are spectacular. This season was one of them. Moving to Texas was the best thing that happened to our marriage and family in every single way. The move challenged us to lay everything down to be sharpened by Him. Phill, throughout these years in seminary, has grown exceedingly out of my wildest dreams as a godly man. We knew since the beginning of our marriage we desire to homeschool our children, so when we moved, we agreed Phill would become the only source of income for the family. In the first few years in seminary, we lived in an apartment. I was determined to learn to cook, bake, sew, throw dinner parties, organize, clean the fridge, etc etc. you name it. I read many books on biblical womanhood and books based on "proverbs 31". How many books do you have on those topics? ;)

Then, to be honest, I became discouraged after a couple of years. I am a musician, a teacher,... I am not gifted in hospitality or housework. My efforts did not changed who I am, it only made me do these things in spurts because I felt bad not being the housekeeper I needed to be for my family. When we moved to an actual house, I thought, now, I could throw more parties. Maybe, now, I will cook more often with this full size gas stove. The opposite happened, I gave up. Phill is so much better at cooking and doing dishes, I just let him do it all when we have company over. If I were not at the stove when he comes home, he just fires up the stove and cooks dinner. I loved it. I was happy about it for a couple of years. He never complains because he loves to cook, and, he always tells me he loves to spoils me. How did he train for triathlons, preach itinerantly , spend time with our children, and graduate from his masters? I don't know. But, he did. So? what is the problem?

I am glad you asked. Here it is.

A memo from the other side of the fence

The more my husband helped me with my role, the less happy and fulfilled I was. 

I was convicted about giving up my opportunities to become the wife described in God's Word! Before this blog gets thrown out the window... Hear me out here, ladies. This was what our intense fellowship was about. In the two years that I had his help, I was not getting better at being a home manager. My goal as a woman was getting a bit fuzzy and my heart was wandering to busy myself with things I was not called to do. I was taking Phill for granted because of the way he grew up, he had no expectations for me as a wife. Obviously, we had to discuss this issue, understanding that he has to have some sort of expectation to the role of a godly wife, and not to be afraid to list them to me just because he does not want to be disappointed.

I desire with my whole heart to be the woman God calls me to be. Don't you all?

Titus 2 is clear. THIS is sound doctrine, (v.1) that we, as women, need to be "reverent in the way we live" (v.3). Reverent, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, can be defined in two essence: reverent as in respectable; or, reverent as in worshipful. I believe we need to be both respectable and worshipful in the way we live. I want my life to be a song, written to glorify our LORD. How?

Verse 3b, we are "not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good." Let's break this down. First, we are not to say anything we don't want to be held accountable for or judged for. Romans 2:16 You know when there is an ant hill near you when you see a trail of ants. You can always trace these ants back to their habitat. When people slander, they are like an ant hill, sending out ants, leaving trails everywhere for everyone to see, examine, poke at. What happens to these ants and the colony when they are found out? Let's just say they get into the defensive mode quickly and then get annihilated. 

Second, as believers, we live in a world where alcohol is not a big deal. What does God's Word say? Let me quote just this one, because this makes too much sense. "Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more." Prov 31:6,7 We, as believing, godly women who seek the LORD, do not need to drink. Our mind need to be sound and alert at all times because the Enemy is always around. 1 Pet. 5:8

Last one... This is always tricky. What is "good", exactly? I believe Phill, in his latest sermon nailed it. He demonstrated in Amos 5:14-15 that when we seek goodness, we find God. He is not just a good God but He encompasses goodness Himself. Goodness does not contain even a speck of evil in it: a Christ-seeking heart without evil intent, evil thought, evil eye, evil speech etc. And... "teach what is good", so that, as women, we can teach younger women, and be the younger women who are "urge[d] to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, to be busy at home, to be kind, and be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God." (Titus 2:4,5) Lord Jesus, I don't want anyone to malign Your word and Your reputation because of me. Teach me to focus on You as You continue to mold me into the woman of Your Word. I want to live the role You have gifted me with so I can be a blessing to my family.

So, since our intense fellowship.... I started making a checklist of things I need him to do around the house on a dry erase board. Anything not on the list? My job. Do I always shine my sink before I sleep? No. Maybe 60% of the time. Do I cook every day? No. Maybe 80% of the time. But Phill leaves everything up to me to give me a chance to improve as a wife and I feel great! I can fail any expectation but the Lord does not see that. God sees me as a gal who is striving to be a woman of His Word.

From a living example who has been on the other side of the fence: 

Next time, when you get frustrated and start to gripe about needing your husband's help for household chores, remember this: it is okay. It is okay things do not look perfectly perfect. This is your training ground as a woman of God who does battle with the World, its Prince, and its dominions, a training ground for your children to see that the most important thing in your life is that you are striving to become the woman He desires for you to be. He does not see the messy rooms, the dirty sink, the disorganized pantry, or the muddy floors. Don't so easily give that up for any man's help. Our LORD your God sees a Proverbs 31 woman in the making. :-)

chewing

Still chewing on the word "shield" ... Phil read ps115 2 nights ago for family devo and shield came up 3 times to contrast those whose trust is in other things. Those who surrender their trust in others for Jesus as their shield will have His attitude. Phil2. Rejected but joyful. Accused but fearless. Suffered but alive. Victimized but victorious. His attitude is about living a completely transformed life. I like that. I like that I have a "big Brother" whom I adore, admire, and worship. I will follow His footsteps and let Him be my Shield. Thank You Father for sending a perfect example.

Oh Jesus, Alive in me... my soul magnifies you. Who am I that you have chosen me? To serve you? To love you? To receive Your love? When I face adversity, may joy overflow from my suffering. When I face accusation, may You become my identity. When I face disappointment, may I find refuge in Your Word. You have taught me so much in the past 6 months through conviction the Word, difficult decisions, and unexpected situations. You have held on to me and chisel me as a minister's wife. You have knocked on my heart and shape me as my children's mother. You speak to my soul and keep me on Your path. I am amazed by You every day.

SHIELD

Been meditating on the word Shield for the past 2 weeks. Here r my thoughts:

Prov2 shows me He is my shield as I walk blameless according to His righteousness. As a child of God and wife of a minister, I have acquired a bittersweet taste to leaving situations up to Him so He can be my shield. Bitter because it is hard to swallow accusations, tough to bite my tongue of defensiveness, and ultimately realizing my unbelief in Him as my shield. Sweet because His peace and joy become like honey to my soul, because His willingness to be my shield overpowers the taste of bitterness, and I receive incomprehensible comfort and rest. Yes! He is my Shield mightily forged by undeserved suffering, perfect grace, and the furnace of righteousness. For that, my God, I am thankful. "Who am I that You are mindful of me?" Your precious child. Here I am. (Job 7, Heb 2)

Live like that

My goal as a woman who follows Christ... live life with total abandonment, under His grace.

Halloween 2012

Here I am again about halloween. I don't know what happened to halloween in 2010 and 2011, but I did not blog about it haha. Actually, last halloween, we were so busy stuffing candies and these awesome home made tracts I must have forgotten to blog on it. I remember taking a couple of pictures of my kids' stuffing action though.

We don't celebrate halloween because I have seen too much of the dark side in the spiritual world. We have passed out tracts and candies though. But just a thought here.... the object of evil isn't intrinsically evil itself until a person who knows evil relates it to evil. Halloween can't be good when witches and wiccans sacrifice babies but halloween can be good when Christians step out in this dark night and teach that there is hope and grace even in a time like this. The days are evil whether if it's halloween or not.

Reminds me of great examples.... Jehovah's witnesses teach that objects r evil. So when they see a cross it reminds them of a pagan god so they r repulsed by the object of salvation. But to us the cross reminds us of love and ultimate sacrifice. With similar principles, they teach their kids how to "evilize" all festivals, objects, and motives.

Another example, easter... easter is a fertility god, it has nothing to do with our Lord's resurrection. But Christians throughout the years have used this pagan holiday to teach the gospel to their own children using eggs, bunnies, chicks, candies and different resurrection recipes. Yet again, Jws teach that this holiday itself is evil and no one should be honoring the fertility god when no one thinks of the fertility god when we color an egg or pass out chocolate bunnies. If a family had no upbringing about the history and evils of halloween but just trunk or treat and dressing up as something fun, is halloween an evil pagan holiday to their kids? Does dressing up and celebrating it "give more power" to the dark evil demons?

Can't Christmas also become pagan when santa becomes the object of affection in any home including a Christian home? Can't easter also become a pagan holiday when the painting of beautiful easter eggs becomes the main event of the day?

A day in itself has no power to be evil or good until a person of evil or of good grants it power to be evil or good. Look at Romans 14:14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.

The book review I did back in September for "Grace based parenting" actually talked about halloween for a little. What he said really made sense. I will look for that book and quote it when I find it, but he basically said, if all we do is instill this fear of halloween into our kids and tell them what evil happens on that day, we are teaching them about the evil not about the good. They will remember what is evil and not what they can do to impact the world on a day like this. They will remember to be scared and not being about to be sent out into the world to be bold on a day or a society that is wrapped in this sort of thing!

The Chinese culture has many different festivals. I grew up celebrating each and every one of them. I remember thinking how silly the stories were but the festivals were a fun time. An excuse to get the entire family together, distant relatives and all! Do I teach my kids that all these festivals are evil just because it doesn't have Christ? Or do I bring Christ into these festivals so that they can bring Christ to their friends when no one else see Christ in them? Do I teach my kids not to participate and scare them out of action or send them into the world for action with the power of Christ?

Romans 14:5-9(ESV) One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike.Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

I wrestle with this whole chapter of Romans. No one needs to be judged of what they do with anything. That I know. I used to struggle with being legalistic about it and judged others. Not anymore at all. I went through it and grew up out of it in Christ. What I am still trying to grasp is how I can raise my kids in a way of grace not legalism about not celebrating halloween the way others do. Right now, I tell them what I learn about this. Today, I told them, for example, that a holiday is evil when a person or a group of people makes it evil. Some Christians use it to share the gospel, some hide at home. Some unbelievers choose to dress up as scary evil characters, some also choose to hide at home. Like me, before I was a Christian, I never dressed up and "trick or treat".

Here are my evolving thoughts and growing knowledge of grace on this western holiday, "halloween"

2008 - This was my blog on halloween named "and What occasion is this?"

2009 - This one was written about this same day named "Halloween - It's just not our holiday"

2011 - my husband drew and dedicated this episode of jujubee and raisin to pointing families back to Jesus at halloween. We must have printed 100 and on the back was a gospel presentation in words. We folded and stuffed it in a little bag with candy.

LORD, continue to teach me. Continue to stretch my mind because sometimes I am reading and writing but cannot comprehend. Only through Your grace will I grow in love and grace. I love You. But not enough. I want to love you more than more. Convict me and forgive me of my sins. Expand my love for You and for Your Creation. In Jesus Name, Amen.