Grace based parenting

I AM NOT GETTING IT!!! UGH. I am not getting it. God, why is it so hard?! I see my own sins in my children's lives. I hate it. Help me to love them with Your love. Help me love them even when they spit in my face and reject me, even if it is going to break my heart into millions of pieces. Help me love them with Your love.

My kids have not stolen yet but I remember the day I first stole. I attended Christ Church Kindergarten in Hong Kong. I was maybe 5. I remember those kind teachers from England. I remember the classroom. I remember one time the teacher was doing a felt board with the song "Hot cross buns" and she called me up to give her fake pennies. I remember I played with these little animal figurines every day and one day, I decided I really wanted them to come home with me. So I stole a giraffe and I think an elephant too. But definitely the giraffe. I remember the feeling of sin pounding at my door, and my heart was beating so hard. I knew what I was thinking of doing was wrong. I remember the guilt when I put it in my pocket, making sure no one saw. After that, it got gradually easier to convince myself it was ok to steal. You might even say I was a Kleptomania. One time, I stole these plastic earrings from a stuffed animal that was in a store. I waited a week to wear it and when I sat down at the restaurant table, my dad looked at me and interrogated me. When I finally told the truth, he snatched the earrings, and threw it in one of the dim sum containers. I never stole from a store again. I remember seeing the horror on his face. He was angry but also horrified. I have also come to a conclusion that Dad was horrified because he witnessed his own sin in my life.

Phill and I live under God's grace and know that we have freedom from our sins. Nevertheless, generational sins are still present and are in need to be rid of. We are so far from perfect and we know it full well. We have missed so many bible studies and for the past week, I have not spent a lot of time with the Lord, have not reflected, most of my prayers are prayers of deliverance (Lord help me deal), have not been journaling... I have been falling asleep on my calls with Jesus! I have lost sight of His grace on me and on my children. I have been more impatient, less kind, less compassionate, less gracious, distracted, and of course, my coughing has not help with my tone. ENOUGH is enough. Let's get back to the basics of this life.

I can hear my precious Jesus say, "Come talk to me. Lay down your burdens and take my yoke. For my load is not heavy at all. Give it all to me." Of course, what else. Our favorite passage. Ephesians 4. Yes Lord, I will obey. What else, Colossians 4. God, help me not to just read but do Your words. Jonah 4, I lay down my right to be angry and frustrated with my kids' sins. They are yours and this battle with Satan is also Yours. Teach me to reproof, teach, discipline, disciple, instill, inspire, grow, and love them from Your heart and eyes. Help me to focus on what is righteous, good, just, noble, pure, and admirable. Thank You for reminding me of all these things. You are a perfectly good God, slow to anger and abounding in love. I thank You for Your grace, poured on me when I fall so short of Your words. Thank You for blessings me with this life. Continue to reveal the conditions of my heart so I may confess my sins to You and ask for freedom from them. I claim victory as a follower of Christ that I know my kids will follow You with all of their hearts, souls, minds, and strength. Help me to see this battle in parenting as more than a conqueror. Help me stand tall with the full armor of God, ready to go everyday. God help me to respect my husband for Your glory. Help me to honor him in front of our children. Help me to submit to him, Lord. Continue to transform me and mold me into Your proverbs 31 woman. In Your son Jesus' name I pray. AMEN.

Proverbs 31:30
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

My baby Esther is growin' up... =(



I love the way my own kids talk.


My oldest baby girl singing in the shower...

Good question

A great friend asked me a great question that I did not answer very well. "Why does having natural birth matter so much?" After a week of reeeally thinking, I have two lists.

List one - these are NOT my reasons
1. a need to fulfill a feeling of natural birth - i used to think i needed to feel my babies coming out in order to feel like I've given birth. It is NOT about that.
2. to feel like "a real mom" - as if I am not already a real mom
3. that I am not a real woman until I go through labor - i have been through labor, just not the worst part of it yet - the transition and the crowning (hospital policy cut me short on time).
4. to prove to others that HBACs are possible - i don't need to prove anything to anybody although i will give glory and praise to God no matter if my HBAC is successful or not.
5. to prove to everyone that I can do it - I can't. I am scared. Not scared about labor but scared that there is a chance I'll return to the surgery table. I have been so traumatized. But the Lord will do what He will. Whatever it takes for us to obey Him, we - will - do.
6. I am just a crazy lady - well I don't think this is a valid reason and I don't care if others think that of me cuz this is my list. My identity is secure in Christ.

List two - these ARE the answers from my heart
1. Numero uno - this is the first and foremost reason in my heart - I love children and believe they are blessings from God. I know the Lord has been moving our hearts to have more children before adopting. I know He wants to bless us. My reason for such crazy ideas as HBAC is because we would love to have more children. C-sections limit the number of blessings for our family - not ideal.
2. C-sections have too many side effects. From the drugs, to the incision, and the scars inside and outside, and the muscles and tissues that are being cut, the muscles that need to be retrained and not to mention, the horror of surgery and hospital people not doing the right things. I have been terribly traumatized. (as much as you'd like to believe that hospitals are the safest places to have babies, guess again and research on it before making it a statement)
3. Faith - from the time we felt God telling us He is blessing us with more children, we have been bombarded with stories, bible verses, testimonies and convictions of faith. this one has been the most popular He has used, "If you have faith as small as mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, MOVE from here to there, and it WILL move." Matthew 17

"Don't you know the ridiculous risks?" Yes. My days are numbered anyhow but we are also not going to make a foolish decision just out of the blue. Our pregnancies were never accompanied with any complications - we are a perfect fit for VBACs. But we have lots to do to prepare for the HBAC. My body needs to be back in shape and my internal scar tissue needs to diminish. I need to emotionally and prayerfully prepare myself for another pregnancy, labor, and possible surgery. I have to get over my emotional trauma. We will have to find an HBAC experienced doula/midwife/obgyn/doctor whoever will take our case. I have to eat, exercise, and train my body to give birth (follow strict special instructions from midwives). We have to save up and plan our finances for this. And I can't wait, to meet and be blessed by our little ones. All things are possible for God. Apart from Him, we can do nothing! Nothing, nothing, nothing is impossible for Him. We will look up to Him for strength, reassurance, guidance, and wisdom. Not statistics, not man, not the world.

Lord, continue to work in us. Thank You for our wonderful children. They are Yours. Help us to raise them in Your ways. Give us perseverance, insight, wisdom, and faith. Shower them with Your grace, mercy, discernment, and love. We worship You Lord and only You alone we will serve forever and ever. AMEN.

Solid Rock

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.

When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Refrain:
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand;
All other ground is sinking sand,
All other ground is sinking sand.

Thank God for babies!

Psalm 127

A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

¹ Unless the LORD builds the house,
its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
the watchmen stand guard in vain.

² In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.

³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
children a reward from him.

⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are sons born in one's youth.

⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

Here's my first baby Abigail (Nov21,05) at karate with my best friend, husband, and daddy in the whole wide world. =)



Here's my second baby Isaac (Jun23,07) learning to bounce the Bball (we are so proud of him)



Here's my third baby Esther (Mar24, 09) bouncing and walking, a video from yesterday!




Thank You for my children Lord. You have blessed us so much with them and through them. Be our guide and give us wisdom to raise them in Your footsteps. In Your holy name we pray, AMEN.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother.

I am #4 of 5. My oldest sister '73, a follower of Christ also, then a brother '75, he is in Heaven with my Savior at 3 days old, then my older brother '76, he is mentally handicapped, me, '81 the odd musician, and my lil' sissy '84, I pray for her every day like my oldest sister did for me. My kids are sick and we've just been hanging out at the house. It's been freezing anyway so we read, eat, watch some bible story and signing time DVDs, read some more, color, practice cutting with scissors, color again, read again, eat more, run around the house and jump on furniture.... then I get this text that my brother was handcuffed. My brother can be a nuisance but he's not even the type that can withstand prison food! No way! My sisters have not been able to reach mom at the piano store for hours. My relatives couldn't be reached at all. So here I was, I could do NOTHING. My brother, handcuffed in his own home, probably scared to death, had mis-dialed 911 and hung up. The cops, being responsible, came to the house for an investigation. My brother freaked out and started running from them. And of course, out of suspicious activities, they busted in and handcuffed him. I looked at my phone, but I didn't know what else to do. I was about to cry. So I gathered my kids and we prayed. Abigail and Isaac were so worried about him. We prayed and prayed for Leo and for grandma be reached soon. After that, I decided to call mom in person and she answered, saying that she just got all the messages and was going home. Leo called me after the cops left. Abigail, Isaac and Phill all got a chance to talk to him. If your heart is filled with compassion for him, would you pray for him right now? Not just about tonight, but for the Lord to reveal his path to us. Ask God to be merciful to him. We also need wisdom in issues with our parents so we honor them but at the same time will be able to do what is best for my brother. Ask the Lord to soften my parents' hearts and draw them to Him.

God, I don't know how to pray about this issue right now. You know what is best for my brother. I trust You in this issue. I pray that You will give us the wisdom and words when we talk to our parents about him and that You will take care of business. Have mercy on my parents. Help me love them and honor them as they are. I pray for my sister, that one day she will too, know Your love for her. God be with my brother tonight as he sleeps. Replace his fears from today with peace and goodness. Take his nightmares and turn it into visions of Heaven. Help him to cope with what has happened today and help my mother to cope with all this. In Jesus' name I ask You of these things. AMEN.

Picky or not picky, that is my question.

I spent infancy through a huge part of my teenage years in Hong Kong, but most of that life I left behind was a blur. I dealt so much with confusion, fear, insecurity, and rage that I carried this identity even into 3 of my 4 years of college life at the UofM. I was a bit deprived of a healthy social life. For 10 years, I was one of the youngest and littlest student in class. But I was constantly in trouble and was bullied. I could never concentrate on anything because I was so worried about my life! So, let's say bad grades didn't help my popularity with anyone. I was labeled all these things in school and home, ADD, problematic, most popular student in the principal's office... I even started cutting myself when I was in 2nd grade. See, I remember because I was in agony. Some kind of void in my heart that made me so empty and angry. But even then, I knew I was not to do anything to end my life because God had a plan for me. Not that I knew which god, what god, or how? I didn't know what was going on, even though I was surrounded by idols my mom had out, grandma talking jehovah's witness, and maids talking catholics and dad talked atheism etc. Long story short, I got into the wrong relationships, ran away from home, and ran away from God.

So how was my life redeemed??? RADICALLY.

Abigail brought home a craft from last Wed and it was sitting out, being a nuisance. I told her, let it go, throw it away, don't hold onto it. If the old doesn't go, the new won't come. She looked at it, sang a goodbye song to it, and threw it away. I told her, see, when Jesus redeems us, we have to be willing to throw away our old self, and put on a new self that is from Him. I know God is continuing in His transformation in Him so that He may be glorified. Since seminary life, I have learned so much from the Lord. Phill has been amazing. He is patient with me and loves me with an unexplainable love. Because of what the Lord has done for me, I am not going to be picky.

I am not picky with the car I drive. I am not picky with my space of living. I have never been picky about food but I am not going to be picky with whom I eat with. I will not be picky with the people I am going to be friends with. (I used to not want any friends) I will not be picky with the people I am going to serve, smelly or not, Asian or not, godly or not, hateful or not. I will not be picky with petty things that have no eternal value or implication. I am not picky about what I wear but it has to be honoring to my husband and kids. In short, I refuse to be picky about things that are not of eternal importance. But I will be picky about wise counsel, and I will be picky about my kids' friends. I will be picky about what we see, and I will be picky about what we listen to. I will also be picky about what we read, and picky about what we wear. I will even be picky about voting in the right people who support high moral values. Not to mention, what we celebrate and put on the pedestal, because all I will glorify is Jesus Christ. I will be picky about the words that comes out of our mouths, and the kinds of foods that go into our mouths. I will be picky about my Christ centered home life, parenting and marriage.

See, people don't have to love me for me to love them. They don't even have to like me for me to love them. I love being at the seminary. After I was redeemed, I almost immediately wanted to go to seminary. But I have gone through rough times here in seminary. Seminary is not perfect. I used to think people who go to seminary must all be really holy and set apart. The fact is, it's a business and an organization. It is a school. And just like any organization, whoever can pay the money can get in. Now there are certain rules, statement of faith, and higher moral standards, but there's no control of the hearts of the people even if their hands had signed documents and their mouths had talked a knowledge of faith. It's truth. But the beautiful thing is, most people I have met are godly people who love me unconditionally without wanting anything back, and I have been blessed. I am not going to be picky on who can love me or not. =)

God help me to discern what to be picky about and not picky about. Help me to love with no conditions. Continue to teach me to let go of the old and put on the new. Help me to speak in truth and love. Continue to disciple me through Your words and wisdom. And help me to go to bed earlier. haha.. In Your Son's name I pray. AMEN.

Daddy Daughter Dance

Abigail has looked forward to this year's daddy daughter dance since last year's daddy daughter dance! She was so excited when Phill asked her out this Thursday, she said, "Yes of course daddy!! I've been waiting for this!" According to Phill, she asked him to watch her dance by herself and only let him slow dance with her once. hahaha Abigail is blossoming into this independent, expressive, and wise little girl. We pray every day that she will understand and accept God's plan of salvation, His grace and mercy, and His will for her.




Our Heavenly Father, thank You so much for Abigail. You have blessed us with her for a while and we are so glad. Help us to not be a hindrance to her and help us to show her more of Jesus in us in everything we do, say, and not do and not say. God help us to point her towards You. Reveal Yourself to her and chase after her. Have mercy and grace on us and her. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.

Esther's ASL variations

It all started when we had Abigail... for years, we have incorporated an ASL curriculum into our homelearning. Lately, Esther has really picked up lots of signs. The simplest ones like more, all gone, please, thank you, etc... I guess she just had to make it "her own" language. The funniest one she has done is please. Instead of rubbing the shirt, she rubs the pants!!! hahaha anyway, see for yourself.




Our Heavenly Father, these are Your children. Help Phill and I to parent them the way Your word has us do so. Tonight I lift Esther up to You. Train her and reveal to her that You are her heavenly Father. I pray that You will open her eyes and ears and heart to You. Help her to love You with all her heart , soul, mind and strength. Have mercy and grace on her. Show us her strengths so we may direct her to Your will for her, and show us her weaknesses so we may teach her to be alert and on guard. Teach Abigail and Isaac to love her and care for her. And teach Esther to work with them in harmony. Hear our prayers and be our Light. In Jesus' name I pray, AMEN.

February

We had started a to-do board for Abigail and she has done beautifully. Every morning, she is responsible for making for bed, brushing her hair and teeth, changing into play clothes, taking out her bible and worshiping God and pray, and greeting her siblings and us with a kiss. She has done all those things and the sweetest for us, is to see her spending time in God's word and to hear her little prayers. I pray Abigail will continue to desire an intimate relationship with You, Jesus, all the days of her life, and seek a husband who will make her holy. Ephesians5:26

Verse for week 1: God, I will hide Your words in my heart so I may not sin against You. Ps119:11

week 2: 105 Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

week 3: 55In the night I remember your name, O LORD, and I will keep your law.

week 4: 160 All your words are true; all your righteous laws are everlasting.

Lord, thank You for Your word. Thank You that You have given us freedom in Christ. Make Your word alive in my children as we believe Your word will never return void. Let us see You active in their lives and help them to remember You always. I pray for their salvation and ask You to reveal Yourself and Your plan of salvation for them. Do not let me be arrogant, impatient, angry but rather, patient, gentle, kind, and loving towards them. In Jesus' name we ask these things. AMEN.