spiraling

I have stopped understanding my emotions. I signed up for Soul Care at our church but because it is almost Christmas and New Years, I am on the waiting list and no one can counsel me through it. Jesus is the wonderful counselor. I know. What can He do for my soul? I know all the answers. He can. He is able. But, I am having a hard time right now with having faith and He does not heal those who does not have faith. Right? I have no doubt I am born again. I know He has given me the Holy Spirit. I am just a rebellious little Asian right now, bitter at all the hardships I have been through. Of course, He reminds me, that I am the one who prayed to learn what it is like to surrender it all a year back. Well, I learned it and I don't like it. The idea is heroic, and beautiful, and grand. But I don't like it. It is only for people who can be like Christ. I can only be like Christ up to a very small degree. Blame it on my sinful nature and my stubborn, selfish ways. I look at Jesus and I look at me and I feel inadequate to be His follower.  I don't think that's right. When I was a new Christian 12 years ago, I saw my sin and saw Jesus' perfection and I saw His grace. I was grateful for His salvation. I was amazed by His love. I marveled at His goodness. What happened to that? It was because of that grace, gratitude, love and faith that transformed me. Am I being spiritually attacked? For God's reasons, of course. A preacher said on the radio, "You are too worldly to be godly but you are also too godly to be worldly so you become stuck in the middle, lost and can't enjoy anything." My heart is being split. My whole world is about ministry. But I find my heart in want. I want I want I want. Always demanding. Maybe my sinful nature is pulling me towards worldliness. I am struggling so hard against so many things in my mind and my heart. Since the foster children have left, I have sort of plunged into something. I have not allowed myself to cry. I have not allowed myself to grief I don't believe. I have not allowed myself to plunge into depression (like after housing a lady who needed help last year.) I was able to come out of the depression last time after what felt like forever but actually just 3 months when I hit the bottom, understanding it was either coming out of it or medication. And medication seemed preposterous to me. 

Let's stop for a minute to talk about this. Because by this time, my friends, or random people, would usually ask, have you thought of saying no. 

YES I HAVE. DURING and AFTER the situation. But when God hands you an adventure.......... sigh

Per my BFF's request, I am taking a moment to look up the stages of grief.

Loss

I am going to try to document the emotions that run through our family and me. If I suppress them, I will go into a spiral down toward hopelessness.

Guilt. I personally felt guilt at first. I love working with children. NO children should have to suffer. Especially innocent babies. I wanted to keep them and felt guilt as I knew when we made the decision to hand them back that I can still serve them well and continue our work with them. HOWEVER, guilt has melted away as I remember God's sovereignty. If I am guilty of something, then God is too, and God is not. He knows all things, sees all things, hears all things, and is sovereign over all things. He is not guilty in His order and confirmation that we are to hand the children back. We trust Him fully even if it hurts us and our reputation momentarily. Guilt is sometimes prompted by the desire to please people instead of God. I choose to please God.

Sadness. We all felt profound sadness hovering over the house. We have been counseling and helping the kids process their emotions. It's hard to watch your children be sad HOWEVER, it has been a blessing to go through this together as family.

Loss. The sadness became heavier and it became clear we are experiencing loss. We are grieving and healing as we give ourselves to the LORD. He brought those children here for a season and for a reason. We have seen the baby go from failure to thrive, to starting to pull up and cruise the day he left. We have seen the big brother go from dark circles under his eyes and depressed, to smiling and well rested. So much work, time, love, cooking, thought, care, prayers, stress, etc put into those children. They filled up the house to the rim with their presence, their beds, their toys, their laughter, their cries. Now there is just the 5 of us again. We will not get to see the fruit of our labor. We will probably never see them again. HOWEVER, it has drawn each of us so much closer to one another and to the LORD for He experienced the loss of His beloved creation when the fall of man occurred in Genesis. He experienced loss over and over again with Israel as the Hebrew people left Him for other gods. He went through another loss as His own Son died on the cross to claim victory over sin, death and Satan. If this is how we may identify with God more and gain security for our identity in Him, we are willing to carry this legacy of suffering.