Loss

I am going to try to document the emotions that run through our family and me. If I suppress them, I will go into a spiral down toward hopelessness.

Guilt. I personally felt guilt at first. I love working with children. NO children should have to suffer. Especially innocent babies. I wanted to keep them and felt guilt as I knew when we made the decision to hand them back that I can still serve them well and continue our work with them. HOWEVER, guilt has melted away as I remember God's sovereignty. If I am guilty of something, then God is too, and God is not. He knows all things, sees all things, hears all things, and is sovereign over all things. He is not guilty in His order and confirmation that we are to hand the children back. We trust Him fully even if it hurts us and our reputation momentarily. Guilt is sometimes prompted by the desire to please people instead of God. I choose to please God.

Sadness. We all felt profound sadness hovering over the house. We have been counseling and helping the kids process their emotions. It's hard to watch your children be sad HOWEVER, it has been a blessing to go through this together as family.

Loss. The sadness became heavier and it became clear we are experiencing loss. We are grieving and healing as we give ourselves to the LORD. He brought those children here for a season and for a reason. We have seen the baby go from failure to thrive, to starting to pull up and cruise the day he left. We have seen the big brother go from dark circles under his eyes and depressed, to smiling and well rested. So much work, time, love, cooking, thought, care, prayers, stress, etc put into those children. They filled up the house to the rim with their presence, their beds, their toys, their laughter, their cries. Now there is just the 5 of us again. We will not get to see the fruit of our labor. We will probably never see them again. HOWEVER, it has drawn each of us so much closer to one another and to the LORD for He experienced the loss of His beloved creation when the fall of man occurred in Genesis. He experienced loss over and over again with Israel as the Hebrew people left Him for other gods. He went through another loss as His own Son died on the cross to claim victory over sin, death and Satan. If this is how we may identify with God more and gain security for our identity in Him, we are willing to carry this legacy of suffering.