The Perfect Storm

There is a need to document what is happening. When I began to experience a spiritual rest and mountain top high with the Lord a few months ago, I started to wonder what is next to come for our family. A bit excited but a bit cautious. When God prepares me this way, I knew something big is going to happen. He was building me up this time to receive something humungous. Something bigger than anything that has happened in several years.

In April, I typed up an entry entitled "New Leaf". The spiritual healing and rest happened 2 months after grieving what happened in our short fostering season. It is now almost August. Troubles started 3 weeks ago in mid July. Van needs a couple thousand bucks worth of repairing. That was fine cuz who needs air conditioned transportation? Who needs a van?

Then, our zucchini plants were attacked by squash borers, 11/13 plants died. Gardening and eating our own harvest is a big deal. Food is expensive!

Then I got a letter about my professional teaching certificate renewal that I needed not 2 but 3 credits of SWD classes.

Then, a few days ago, our one income has been exterminated. Without warning. Even though people could have warned people out of compassion or mercy or whatever.

Then some guy decides to fight another guy in my husband's office where he was on his last two weeks to where a police report had to be filed.

Today, I opened our library account, $25.99 for a lost book we did not lose. REALLY?!

Anyway, Satan is whipping up a perfect storm for us. He sure is having fun. Last time Phil left overseas, I remember another perfect storm. I might have recorded it, I might not have. But I remember it. Someone does not want God's work to be done.

God has a huge plan for us and He has allowed Satan to sift us. There's something that needs to be sifted so... we submit to it. The Lord will deliver us through it, or out of it, or into glory. But I prayed days ago, that when I became a Christian, I knew. I surrendered my all then, and I am never backing out. I am going to serve the Lord with my life. No matter where, how, when, etc There is nothing else that's worth doing. Everything in the world will fade. I don't want to work for things that fade. I don't want to waste the one life God gave me.

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust in
In His presence daily give
I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Jesus I surrender
I surrender ALL

I am giving Him all. No reservations.

Here is a list of what I treasure.
my future, my husband, my kids, my gifts and talents, friends, my phone, my wifi, my laptop, my rights, money, my pride, my desire to get a masters, leading worship, writing music, my ambitions, my health...

More will happen. The perfect storm will come. But after the storm,... promises. The day after we lost our main income, people kept sending me pics of rainbows they saw after some rain. Coincidence? I think not. Reassurance. Reassurance that I am the apple of God's eye, the daughter of the KING, princess of God, His most worthy possession, His trophy, Jesus's bride,... that I am taken care of, much more important than the sparrows and the flowers of the fields.

After the sifting, after the perfect storm dies down, God will rain down His mercy, grace, and blessings on us. He will take care of everything and we will not be forgotten. That's what Satan wants us to believe, that we are forgotten in this time of need. No. God has not forgotten about us. And if Satan hasn't forgotten about us either and has asked to sift us, that's actually pretty good news for us as Christians. We will make Jesus famous.

Amen and Amen.

All to Jesus I surrender, I surrender All

Isaac asked why Jesus gives us circumstances He knows we don't want to be in and work He knows we don't want to do. I cheated and sang "I surrender all" to him. Over a year ago, I asked our Father to show me what "surrender all" actually means. What this "All" is... It's been over a year and He has only shown me the tip of the iceberg. I certainly didn't expect it to bleed into my children's lives either. 

Surrendering is a coin. It has two sides. 

One side is like flying a white flag during battle. Hey I am surrendering cuz you overpower me. I'm ok with it because I am choosing to surrender. Hope you don't kill me after I surrender or take me prisoner.

The other side is like Elijah. Hey I am a fleeing prophet cuz you are my King and you chose me to do this job. If I were to choose, I'd live in the palace with food and drink. I would have been so happy. But you got to choose and I didn't get to choose. You chose me and now I choose to surrender everything I am to do what you chose for me to do and what life you chose for me to live. I don't like being chased by these evil people but I must continue to run from them. I don't like having to be isolated from the other prophets and live in the desert even though you are feeding me and providing a stream of water during a famine and drought. I don't like having to keep reaching out and helping people who reject you. I don't like being depressed and hurting even though You comfort me and sustain me. It is really cool to see You beat the prophets of Baal at Mount Carmel. And it's really awesome to know rain was coming while no one else did. We do really cool stuff together. You are a good God and I hate having to go through this hard stuff but You shall choose for me what I should do. You shall choose for me where I live. You shall choose for me whom I serve. You shall choose for me. I surrender my right to choose for myself.

God is not my enemy. I am not flying a white flag. I guess I am Elijah then. Learning this lesson has not been fun but it has been adventurous. It has been the most emotional, spiritually exhausting, frustrating, and difficult growing pain ever.

I wanna hold your hand

Did you know that otters hold hands when they sleep so they don't float away from one another?

I did not either! My sweet husband sent me this today because we sometimes hold hands to fall asleep at night.

This also reminded me how much I should want to hold on to Christ, that even as I put my head down on a pillow, I should grab onto Him and say "I don't want to drift apart from You." Every day, as I go about my business and my busyness, I still want Him to hold onto me and not let me drift apart from Him. This is how sweet my Savior is.

LORD, I wanna hold Your hand. I want to be close to You and follow You. AMEN.

Lessons of surrender

As a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, there is one difficult thing (out of many) I have committed myself to grow in and apply in my life continuously. When I was saved a decade ago, I surrendered myself unto Christ in my car, in a parking lot. I did not know I was surrendering, but, I remember raising a white flag, screaming "This is it! I want this to be over! Take over, Jesus, I am at the end of myself!" When I think of that moment in my life, words like depressing, heart wrenching, hopeless, come in mind.

And yet, that moment was followed immediately by the words, Overwhelming Awe, Inexpressible Joy, Unfathomable Grace, and Unconditional Love. A life of healing and new hope had finally begun for me... miraculously... supernaturally.

Do you have a story, a testimony similar to mine? A moment where Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, swept you off your feet and claim you as His own when you were collapsing into a sea of deeper sorrow? Are you still walking close to the Lord today?

For those who believe this is some stage or phase people like us go through....

10 years later, He has not forsaken me. 10 years after that awful and awesome moment, I can testify the Bible is filled with the promises and love letters from God. He is the one true and living God who has been personally ministering to me, providing for me, teaching me, challenging me, testing me, walking with me, encouraging me, disciplining me, and empowering me. 

Through endless life experiences of joy, miracles, fulfillment, harvest, grief, disappointment, rejection, mockery, etc, the true art of surrendering is learned, relearned, applied, and reapplied, till I am again, close to Him as He tells me, "That's it. You got it. Keep coming." 

James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Without the understanding of true surrender, I would never have understood the direct connection between suffering and healing, struggles and victory, slavery and freedom. In the dictionary, the word "surrender" simply means to yield yourself over  In Christian terms, we forgo the desires, control, and ownership of ourselves to a living and loving God. So many of us forget, that as we forgo all these things, the Holy Spirit is meant to take over completely, and therefore, conforming us to the image of Christ, the epitome of suffering and healing!  

When we think of the word "suffering", the adjective "bad" always pops up in our mind. It is only normal. I, on the other hand, would like to prove and persuade anyone who is willing to seek this matter with me, that the word "suffering" needs to be understood and perceived as "good". Not as in enjoyable, but as in a character of God.


Jump to Romans 5:1-5 where in verse 3, the word "suffering" was used twice. In Greek, it was actually the word Thlipsis, which means tribulation and persecution. This sounds much more physical than Harmozo. The author stated that the Christians glory, kauchaomai, boasted, in their "suffering" and that this "suffering" produced perseverance. Sounds again like "suffering" is good! Why would "suffering" be producing a fruit of the Spirit, and why else would they boast in it?


Romans 8:13-39 is another great passage. It speaks of a "suffering" that joins Christ and us in verse 17, and a "suffering" that is endured in verse 18. Sumpaschó in verse 17, simply means suffer together. If we suffer together with Christ, we prove we are actually in His legacy, and when we do so, we also share in His glory. Umm, again, good! This next word in verse 18, pathéma, is a strong term. This suffering is a passion, a zeal, an agony that comes from within. This suffering comes from knowing Christ and wanting to be purged of sin. This kind of "suffering", as stated by the author, leads to a glory that has no comparison, and that glory would be revealed in us because of this "suffering". GOOD!

Now, read Acts 5:25-42 and pay special attention to verse 41.  The Greek word, Harmozo, was used in verse 41 as the verb "to suffer".  "Then they left the presence of the council, rejoicing that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name." Harmozo means betrothed, to fit in, to join oneself in.  These apostles rejoiced  and were counted worthy because now that they had been persecuted, they were now dishonored with Christ! And, it was good. Why else were they rejoicing and counted as worthy?

There are so many more evidence in the rest of the Bible, that "suffering" indeed is good because it brings us closer to the Goal, the Perfecter of our faith, our Savior. Apart from our desire to be like Him, our suffering would be met with hostility and anger, perceived as pointless, and wasted! Let us surrender every day fully unto Jesus, the one who suffered for us and reconciled us with His Father. Learn to fall apart spiritually instead of physically! Put your hands up and put down the things you are holding on to. Get on your knees and beg for His Spirit to turn your heart into flesh. Grieve, be in agony, mourn until He shows you how to heal. 

1. Read James 1:5-27 Seek to be humble and ask Him to open your eyes to displeasing impurities you are holding onto

2. Read James 2:1-13 Examine your thoughts and motives for everything you do. Get rid of things in your schedule you know are taking your focus from the Lord.

3. Read James 3 Are you a teacher? Reign your tongue! Do not allow human wisdom to take over your brain, but allow God's wisdom from the bible take over all of your body. Pursue righteousness.

4. Read James 4 Surrender! Grieve and mourn for yourself. Put down everything that is not godly today and run towards godliness. 

5. Read James 5 Surrender not just to God but to one another. Confess your sins and ask for healing. Healing cannot happen if there is no understanding or confession. 

LORD Jesus, allow me to gain in my suffering! Teach me to draw close to You as You continue to teach me to live more abundantly. May Your Spirit abide in me and stir up a thirst in zeal, passion, and understanding. Without You, I am nothing. AMEN.

A lengthy memo from the other side of the fence

So, what is this about?

It started with an intense fellowship (a godly euphemism for a productive fight) we had three weeks ago on our date night. What is the big deal? Well, this was my complaint.

Honey, you are helping too much around the house.

I understand some of you do not struggle with homemaking, chores, or asking for your husbands' help. If you are one of these people, you don't need to read this blog... (unless you are curious). If you are, you are welcome to read on. And, let this be on the record, that this has nothing to do with the training of our children. Our children have to do their share of dishes, laundry, floors, vacuum etc. It is not about becoming your children's slave.

Phill is a sweet man. He grew up a chef's son and literally lived in a restaurant growing up for a few years because there was no money for a house. Having grown up in Hong Kong, I had Philippino maids who practically raised me and I had no idea how to cook, do laundry, clean, or make my bed. For the first year, he gained so much weight from eating out often and my occasional baked chicken with spaghetti and veggies. We were both working because, honestly, living in Miami drowned us financially, and I never had the time or energy to read or learn or seek godly counsel about this area. The LORD knew this had to change. We knew our life had to change. We were miserable.

I will never forget that season of our lives. If you are a follower of Christ, you know what I am talking about. The seasons when God's hands are apparent in our lives. They are spectacular. This season was one of them. Moving to Texas was the best thing that happened to our marriage and family in every single way. The move challenged us to lay everything down to be sharpened by Him. Phill, throughout these years in seminary, has grown exceedingly out of my wildest dreams as a godly man. We knew since the beginning of our marriage we desire to homeschool our children, so when we moved, we agreed Phill would become the only source of income for the family. In the first few years in seminary, we lived in an apartment. I was determined to learn to cook, bake, sew, throw dinner parties, organize, clean the fridge, etc etc. you name it. I read many books on biblical womanhood and books based on "proverbs 31". How many books do you have on those topics? ;)

Then, to be honest, I became discouraged after a couple of years. I am a musician, a teacher,... I am not gifted in hospitality or housework. My efforts did not changed who I am, it only made me do these things in spurts because I felt bad not being the housekeeper I needed to be for my family. When we moved to an actual house, I thought, now, I could throw more parties. Maybe, now, I will cook more often with this full size gas stove. The opposite happened, I gave up. Phill is so much better at cooking and doing dishes, I just let him do it all when we have company over. If I were not at the stove when he comes home, he just fires up the stove and cooks dinner. I loved it. I was happy about it for a couple of years. He never complains because he loves to cook, and, he always tells me he loves to spoils me. How did he train for triathlons, preach itinerantly , spend time with our children, and graduate from his masters? I don't know. But, he did. So? what is the problem?

I am glad you asked. Here it is.

A memo from the other side of the fence

The more my husband helped me with my role, the less happy and fulfilled I was. 

I was convicted about giving up my opportunities to become the wife described in God's Word! Before this blog gets thrown out the window... Hear me out here, ladies. This was what our intense fellowship was about. In the two years that I had his help, I was not getting better at being a home manager. My goal as a woman was getting a bit fuzzy and my heart was wandering to busy myself with things I was not called to do. I was taking Phill for granted because of the way he grew up, he had no expectations for me as a wife. Obviously, we had to discuss this issue, understanding that he has to have some sort of expectation to the role of a godly wife, and not to be afraid to list them to me just because he does not want to be disappointed.

I desire with my whole heart to be the woman God calls me to be. Don't you all?

Titus 2 is clear. THIS is sound doctrine, (v.1) that we, as women, need to be "reverent in the way we live" (v.3). Reverent, according to Merriam-Webster dictionary, can be defined in two essence: reverent as in respectable; or, reverent as in worshipful. I believe we need to be both respectable and worshipful in the way we live. I want my life to be a song, written to glorify our LORD. How?

Verse 3b, we are "not to be slanderers or addicted to wine, but to teach what is good." Let's break this down. First, we are not to say anything we don't want to be held accountable for or judged for. Romans 2:16 You know when there is an ant hill near you when you see a trail of ants. You can always trace these ants back to their habitat. When people slander, they are like an ant hill, sending out ants, leaving trails everywhere for everyone to see, examine, poke at. What happens to these ants and the colony when they are found out? Let's just say they get into the defensive mode quickly and then get annihilated. 

Second, as believers, we live in a world where alcohol is not a big deal. What does God's Word say? Let me quote just this one, because this makes too much sense. "Let beer be for those who are perishing, wine for those who are in anguish! Let them drink and forget their poverty and remember their misery no more." Prov 31:6,7 We, as believing, godly women who seek the LORD, do not need to drink. Our mind need to be sound and alert at all times because the Enemy is always around. 1 Pet. 5:8

Last one... This is always tricky. What is "good", exactly? I believe Phill, in his latest sermon nailed it. He demonstrated in Amos 5:14-15 that when we seek goodness, we find God. He is not just a good God but He encompasses goodness Himself. Goodness does not contain even a speck of evil in it: a Christ-seeking heart without evil intent, evil thought, evil eye, evil speech etc. And... "teach what is good", so that, as women, we can teach younger women, and be the younger women who are "urge[d] to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, to be busy at home, to be kind, and be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the Word of God." (Titus 2:4,5) Lord Jesus, I don't want anyone to malign Your word and Your reputation because of me. Teach me to focus on You as You continue to mold me into the woman of Your Word. I want to live the role You have gifted me with so I can be a blessing to my family.

So, since our intense fellowship.... I started making a checklist of things I need him to do around the house on a dry erase board. Anything not on the list? My job. Do I always shine my sink before I sleep? No. Maybe 60% of the time. Do I cook every day? No. Maybe 80% of the time. But Phill leaves everything up to me to give me a chance to improve as a wife and I feel great! I can fail any expectation but the Lord does not see that. God sees me as a gal who is striving to be a woman of His Word.

From a living example who has been on the other side of the fence: 

Next time, when you get frustrated and start to gripe about needing your husband's help for household chores, remember this: it is okay. It is okay things do not look perfectly perfect. This is your training ground as a woman of God who does battle with the World, its Prince, and its dominions, a training ground for your children to see that the most important thing in your life is that you are striving to become the woman He desires for you to be. He does not see the messy rooms, the dirty sink, the disorganized pantry, or the muddy floors. Don't so easily give that up for any man's help. Our LORD your God sees a Proverbs 31 woman in the making. :-)

Happy Anniversary :)

I had subscribed to my husband's YouTube account, and today, when I went on it, I got an update from his account. I think this was supposed to be a surprise for our anniversary tomorrow. ;) I am not going to watch it. But it's hilarious it popped up. I love you baby. 8.5 years ago when we met in front of Diary Queen to start our courtship, you told me the most romantic thing a guy could tell a gal. You said "I pray I will show you more of who God is each day in our relationship as we move on toward marriage." God has been so faithful to honor that because you have a heart of gold. No, you are not perfect, but your children and I have seen God refining you into the man He wants you to be because of your willingness, your diligence, and your humility. You are so dedicated, so devoted, so hard working, so selfless, and so inspiring. You have got self discipline like nobody else. My man is full of integrity and is not afraid to tell the honest truth. I have learned so much from you, honey, and I have learned to listen intently to your words. You are full of wisdom and full of goodwill. You have shown me more of who our God is through the transformation that you continually allow the LORD to have in you, and through your persisting love. You are an amazing man. I am out of words for you because you take my breath away with the man you have become. I can't even imagine who you are becoming and I cannot wait to watch the LORD's work in you in the next decades to come. He has great plans for you and for your family, generations to come. I am honored to be your help mate, wife, and best friend. You are like my Abraham as I am your Sarah. <3

LORD Jesus, You are magnificent. Mold us, convict us, transform us, and speak to us till the end of our time. Purify our motives and cleanse our hearts as we continue to serve You alone. Help us not to please any other but You oh Lord. My God, You are an Adventure. Let us hold onto You so we can enjoy our journey even through happiness and suffering. It is You who have brought us through and brought us here. Thank You for celebrating our sacred union and affirming our marriage. Allow Your gifts in us to bring people closer to You. I thank You for opening Phill's ears towards You that I can confidently submit and trust him in making decisions for this family. God, You are mighty. Continue Your work in us so we may continue to bring more souls to You. We pray You fill this family with the Holy Spirit and rain down Your blessings. You know our hearts. You know who we are. You are the God of this house. Do as You please LORD. There is no other God but our God. In Your holy name I pray, AMEN.

Phill's video for me:



Here's my gift to you, baby.......... :-) It's a song for you. Description: 8th year anniversary song for my husband. I wrote this in humor. Try to imagine this sappy song sung in the middle of a musical. :P
There is no one like you babe - jojo


There is no one like you, babe (first draft) | Muziboo



There is no one like you, babe (second draft) | Muziboo


There is nothing I can say
No new words
To tell how I feel
There is no one like you
There is no one like you, babe

There is nothing I can write
No new rhymes
To show how I know
There is no one like you
There is no one like you, babe

You are more than just amazing
More than just willing
More than just faithful
What's that word?
I don't know
There is no one like you

I can use some statements
to describe him
To display my love
There is no one like you
There is no one like you, babe

"You are my hero"
"Your body is so ripped"
"You are my desire"
"You're more than I dream of"
"There is no one like you, babe"


You are more than just amazing
More than just willing
More than just faithful
What's that word?
I don't know
There is no one like you

chewing

Still chewing on the word "shield" ... Phil read ps115 2 nights ago for family devo and shield came up 3 times to contrast those whose trust is in other things. Those who surrender their trust in others for Jesus as their shield will have His attitude. Phil2. Rejected but joyful. Accused but fearless. Suffered but alive. Victimized but victorious. His attitude is about living a completely transformed life. I like that. I like that I have a "big Brother" whom I adore, admire, and worship. I will follow His footsteps and let Him be my Shield. Thank You Father for sending a perfect example.

Oh Jesus, Alive in me... my soul magnifies you. Who am I that you have chosen me? To serve you? To love you? To receive Your love? When I face adversity, may joy overflow from my suffering. When I face accusation, may You become my identity. When I face disappointment, may I find refuge in Your Word. You have taught me so much in the past 6 months through conviction the Word, difficult decisions, and unexpected situations. You have held on to me and chisel me as a minister's wife. You have knocked on my heart and shape me as my children's mother. You speak to my soul and keep me on Your path. I am amazed by You every day.

SHIELD

Been meditating on the word Shield for the past 2 weeks. Here r my thoughts:

Prov2 shows me He is my shield as I walk blameless according to His righteousness. As a child of God and wife of a minister, I have acquired a bittersweet taste to leaving situations up to Him so He can be my shield. Bitter because it is hard to swallow accusations, tough to bite my tongue of defensiveness, and ultimately realizing my unbelief in Him as my shield. Sweet because His peace and joy become like honey to my soul, because His willingness to be my shield overpowers the taste of bitterness, and I receive incomprehensible comfort and rest. Yes! He is my Shield mightily forged by undeserved suffering, perfect grace, and the furnace of righteousness. For that, my God, I am thankful. "Who am I that You are mindful of me?" Your precious child. Here I am. (Job 7, Heb 2)

Live like that

My goal as a woman who follows Christ... live life with total abandonment, under His grace.

Halloween 2012

Here I am again about halloween. I don't know what happened to halloween in 2010 and 2011, but I did not blog about it haha. Actually, last halloween, we were so busy stuffing candies and these awesome home made tracts I must have forgotten to blog on it. I remember taking a couple of pictures of my kids' stuffing action though.

We don't celebrate halloween because I have seen too much of the dark side in the spiritual world. We have passed out tracts and candies though. But just a thought here.... the object of evil isn't intrinsically evil itself until a person who knows evil relates it to evil. Halloween can't be good when witches and wiccans sacrifice babies but halloween can be good when Christians step out in this dark night and teach that there is hope and grace even in a time like this. The days are evil whether if it's halloween or not.

Reminds me of great examples.... Jehovah's witnesses teach that objects r evil. So when they see a cross it reminds them of a pagan god so they r repulsed by the object of salvation. But to us the cross reminds us of love and ultimate sacrifice. With similar principles, they teach their kids how to "evilize" all festivals, objects, and motives.

Another example, easter... easter is a fertility god, it has nothing to do with our Lord's resurrection. But Christians throughout the years have used this pagan holiday to teach the gospel to their own children using eggs, bunnies, chicks, candies and different resurrection recipes. Yet again, Jws teach that this holiday itself is evil and no one should be honoring the fertility god when no one thinks of the fertility god when we color an egg or pass out chocolate bunnies. If a family had no upbringing about the history and evils of halloween but just trunk or treat and dressing up as something fun, is halloween an evil pagan holiday to their kids? Does dressing up and celebrating it "give more power" to the dark evil demons?

Can't Christmas also become pagan when santa becomes the object of affection in any home including a Christian home? Can't easter also become a pagan holiday when the painting of beautiful easter eggs becomes the main event of the day?

A day in itself has no power to be evil or good until a person of evil or of good grants it power to be evil or good. Look at Romans 14:14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean.

The book review I did back in September for "Grace based parenting" actually talked about halloween for a little. What he said really made sense. I will look for that book and quote it when I find it, but he basically said, if all we do is instill this fear of halloween into our kids and tell them what evil happens on that day, we are teaching them about the evil not about the good. They will remember what is evil and not what they can do to impact the world on a day like this. They will remember to be scared and not being about to be sent out into the world to be bold on a day or a society that is wrapped in this sort of thing!

The Chinese culture has many different festivals. I grew up celebrating each and every one of them. I remember thinking how silly the stories were but the festivals were a fun time. An excuse to get the entire family together, distant relatives and all! Do I teach my kids that all these festivals are evil just because it doesn't have Christ? Or do I bring Christ into these festivals so that they can bring Christ to their friends when no one else see Christ in them? Do I teach my kids not to participate and scare them out of action or send them into the world for action with the power of Christ?

Romans 14:5-9(ESV) One person esteems one day as better than another, while another esteems all days alike.Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind. The one who observes the day, observes it in honor of the Lord. The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. For if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's. For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

I wrestle with this whole chapter of Romans. No one needs to be judged of what they do with anything. That I know. I used to struggle with being legalistic about it and judged others. Not anymore at all. I went through it and grew up out of it in Christ. What I am still trying to grasp is how I can raise my kids in a way of grace not legalism about not celebrating halloween the way others do. Right now, I tell them what I learn about this. Today, I told them, for example, that a holiday is evil when a person or a group of people makes it evil. Some Christians use it to share the gospel, some hide at home. Some unbelievers choose to dress up as scary evil characters, some also choose to hide at home. Like me, before I was a Christian, I never dressed up and "trick or treat".

Here are my evolving thoughts and growing knowledge of grace on this western holiday, "halloween"

2008 - This was my blog on halloween named "and What occasion is this?"

2009 - This one was written about this same day named "Halloween - It's just not our holiday"

2011 - my husband drew and dedicated this episode of jujubee and raisin to pointing families back to Jesus at halloween. We must have printed 100 and on the back was a gospel presentation in words. We folded and stuffed it in a little bag with candy.

LORD, continue to teach me. Continue to stretch my mind because sometimes I am reading and writing but cannot comprehend. Only through Your grace will I grow in love and grace. I love You. But not enough. I want to love you more than more. Convict me and forgive me of my sins. Expand my love for You and for Your Creation. In Jesus Name, Amen.

Proverbs 13:4 again!

Yes, I am revisiting Proverbs 13:4 again. This time with a different spin. My desires, what do I want to have accomplished? How? The verse says diligent, not lazy. I get that. Here is why I was struck. This quote:

Discipline is 'Making yourself do what you don't want to do in order to achieve what you want to achieve.' (supposedly from Tom Landry's book in p.279)

Diligence has to come from the the right motivation. And the right motivation has to be for the glory of our LORD Jesus Christ, not anything else. Anything else would be the wrong motivation, for a follower of Christ, that is. And motivation, comes from self discipline doesn't it? And this self discipline has to come from conviction and motive. If my motive is none other than to please someone else or myself, forget it. If my motive is to succeed in a worldly sense or get more money, forget it. Wrong motives! Where does my conviction lie? Is it through my own senses of failure? Or is it through the word of God that is speaking to me through the Spirit, telling me to obey? Telling me to change? Telling me to step up?

Through godly conviction and motives, self discipline, motivation, and diligence shall follow. 

So what do I want? What is it that my heart so desires and yearns to achieve? 

intimacy with the LORD 
Hebrews 7:25; 10:22; 11:6, James 4:8

spiritual, mental and spiritual fitness
Luke 9:62, Romans 9:8, 1 Timothy 4:8

doing everything unto the LORD and not unto man 
2 Chron 5:11-14; Psalm 115:1; Proverbs 25:2; Isaiah 24:15; Jer 13:16; 1 Cor 10:13;Col 3:23

I did not list them because all of them are number 1. That's all I want to achieve. I am also gaining wisdom from reading and studying Proverbs 30. The sayings of Agur. I will have to blog on that later. 

LORD, bless my conviction and motives to better know you. Psalm 84, how lovely is Your dwelling place oh Lord!!! Better is one day in Your house!! Let my heart and flesh cry out to You! Let me seek You and find You. You are beautiful. Lord, I never have the right motives, I am human. Give me Your motives! Let me seek self discipline, motivation, and diligence and find these things because of You. Like Agur says, only give me my daily bread! I don't need anything but You. Help me surrender all things to You and know I cannot take any material thing from this world with me. May the Holy Spirit consecrate my children and may they desire the baptism from Your spirit so they may be anointed to do Your will. Open their spiritual eyes, ears, and hearts so they make seek You from their deepest parts of their souls. Thank You for Your sacrifice and grace. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Re-visitation

Frequent re-visitations are essential. What I mean is, when God is teaching something, go back and revisit it frequently, read it again, think about it again, pray about it again, examine your life against it again and again.

One of the heart issues I was revisiting tonight is what I had mentioned in the blog on Sept 5, 2012, just a couple of weeks ago. I wrote the verse I mentioned on the cover on my bible, and when it fades, I re-write it. I just rewrote it two nights ago actually.

I went on biblegateway, and I put different versions together and studied them. Click on this, this is what I had on my screen.

In the last block, the Chinese version, it says, "Lazy man admire from afar but can't ever achieve; those who put all their might into hard work are promised prosperity." Sounds like a Chinese proverb!! ;) It says what it means and means what it says. The word admire, gives a longing for whatever they try to achieve. Also, the second part gives "umph" to the hard work. It's like triple hard work. Then, the word promised, it's gives me a "wow, finally, satisfaction is here" feeling. I love this version and how I translated it, hahaha.

Now look at Holman Christian, the slacker, here, is someone who just mopes and sits around doing nothing, even though it sounds like he knows what he should be doing. Well, he gets nothing! The ones who are diligent are satisfied, whatever they need or want to accomplish.

How about ESV? I wonder if the original language had the word "pneuma" or what in it? It says soul. But, I get it. It's deeper. It's not about material. Not about things. As I blogged on Sept 5, I crave to have spiritual things done, and when I don't work hard to get them, my SOUL feels like failure, like confused, I feel unrest.

NASB is similar to ESV.... except for the word FAT at the end LOL made me think food instead. Maybe soul food. Food for the our eternal spirit. God's Word. Jesus did say, "Man does not live by bread alone." We shall grow spiritually with spiritually food.

NIV uses the word appetite. It made me think food right away too. Everyone has an appetite for either worldliness or godliness. We have to choose what to work hard at. If we choose worldliness, we will never be filled in spiritually. There will never be enough when we are lazy at working toward godliness. Ecc5:10

I have been working slowly towards discerning what God wants me to be doing VS my own wants. I want to have a good appetite for working towards the right things, not empty things that don't matter to Him. May all of us strive for a godly appetite for spiritual growth, and never give up desiring it with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength.

LORD, You are my God, continue to teach me through this verse. I can't get enough of You and what wisdom You have for me. Use me, humble me, teach me, direct me, help me to always glorify you in everything I do. Focus my eyes on You and what You have called me to do and who You have called me to be. Give me strength to not seek human praise and ignore human jeer, but to turn my gaze upon You. Thank You Lord for giving me abundant life I never dreamed I would have. Truly, You know what's best for me. In Jesus' name I pray to You. AMEN.

The Last Convo

Phill, my husband, and I have been praying for weeks about today.

Did I have a clue it was today? No. Not till this morning. 

I woke up with a headache. At around 8am, my ears were choosing to pick up low pitches extraordinarily, attributing to an elevated headache. I started praying, and praying about the meeting, knowing M and S are coming. Then, I got this affirmation. A peace that transcends all understanding, 100% certainty, no doubt. 

I gotta be honest to say, that after 1.5 years, I have wanted this moment, but I was never 100% sure. At some points, I did get a bit exhausted, maybe a little frustrated here and there, wanted my "JW day" to be my day again... But my response wasn't, wow finally, or yay. It was yes Lord, I will obey. 

To give you some background info, we had been going through their little yellow book "What does the Bible really teach?" We were on Ch15 when we could not go on. So they suggested to go back to Ch1 and skimming through the subtitles of the chapters. By that time, I narrowed my questions down to 3 of them. 1.Spirit after death 2.Jesus the angel 3.Trinity/Modalism. For the past 2 weeks, I had been interviewing them about #1, asking them for evidence. 

Here are the highlights of our conversation, remember we talked as friends, our tones are kind and light. Very much like just talking to our next door neighbor:

1. I started by stating that I have been praying about this a lot, that it's not so much about the different issues but that if an organization is truly chosen by God, I am in because God is never wrong even tho people are imperfect and will make mistakes. On the other hand, if an organization shows false teachings, I am out, cuz God would want me out. 

2. They continued to show me magazines and evidences that makes their organization truly awesome. Everyone volunteers, everyone loves each other, their teachings are the same internationally... I said to any of this, "this is commendable. I really appreciate this." They said, how did the Bible say we can tell if an organization is true or false? it's by its fruits. Good fruits only grow on good tree, and bad fruits only grow on bad trees. Our organization never sweeps anything under the rug, our brothers and sisters serve one another etcetcetc... I said, well, I guess I see the good fruits and trees differently. I don't see it just talking about an organization. I see it talking about individuals. People as good trees carrying good fruits can be associated with an organization that is a bad tree carrying bad fruits. And people can have bad fruits and be associated with an organization that carries good fruits. That why God prunes away. 

3. I had a question in Revelation 9:1-11. Who is Abaddon? Who is the angel of the abyss? Who are the locusts? What are their jobs? (side note: previously they had given me a red publication named "Revelation - a great climax") The reason I asked these questions was because if you read the passage, you would know the answer is obvious. Who else would rise up from the bottom of the abyss? Who else would be the King angel? I quoted all the verses about locusts and Abaddon in OT book of Joel . They refused to answer me. They kept saying we need to research. S at one point said, give me that red book. I said, no I don't want to upset you. S laughed, just give it to me! So I did. Page 148, “Their king is the angel of the abyss. His Jewish name is Abaddon… (Revelation 9:11). Jesus as the “angel of the abyss” and the “destroyer” inflicted indeed a deadly plague on the Christian world.” (p. 148).  You would not believe it, but at first they refused to acknowledge the natural explanation from the bible. After several readings, she said, the red book says.... I kindly interrupted no, this bible right here says something different from that book. I cannot accept that Jesus is the angel of the abyss and that he is the king of these locusts. 

4. Deuteronomy 18:20-22  I read through my research, not just 1975 cuz they will say that never happened, that the elders of the congregations misunderstood. And of course, I told them, that doesn't make any sense that some elders from some halls from some cities can then affect all congregations from all the halls from the whole world. My grandma has been JW for more than 40 years, I know this happened. S brought up jw.org on her phone and started reading how she knows her organization is the one true religion. The WT loves using anecdotes to prove their points cuz Jesus used parables. anyway, at one point she read about handing out maps so people can know how to get to their destination. So I asked, how do we know how reliable these maps are? The map giver is always going to say that theirs are the most reliable.... I said, if in 1800 I can do something to go to heaven but in 2015 it's no longer valid, I think that map is not very reliable. I then brought up the bible verse and I said, I don't want to disobey God. I cannot study this organization's material anymore. They started to pack up after these 2.5 hours.

5. Funny thing. S keeps asking me questions. 
a) so, do you have the truth? yes, i do. it is right here in this bible alone. just the bible.
b) where are you going to go when you die? i am going to be with God. I know there are many discussions about heaven and hell, but the bible is clear about one thing, you die either to be with God or to be without God. It says, if you accept Jesus as your Savior, believe He died for your sins, and confess with your mouth, you are going to be with God. I am going to be with God.  
c) how do you know what your church teaches is true? my husband and i are not "baptists" we are God fearing people who follow the bible. we just happen to go to a baptist seminary, it's not a title or label. If a church we walk into does not teach the bible, we walk away. If a church teaches the bible but God has not brought us there, we walk away too. Only if a church teaches the bible and God has called that we stay to serve. We are not bound to one organization.
d) what were you before you became a Christian? i was into new age, a little buddhism here, a little hinduism there, a bit of atheism... i used to have nightmares about dying when i was a kid. 
and then I started reading the bible and found God. 
e) but your bibles took out jehovah's name.... yes and studying with y'all have opened my eyes to that. that's why i have been seeking out bibles like Holmann Christian and New Jerusalem Bible that have YHWH in them. 

No arguments, no debates, seasoned with truth. 

6. Awww we are going to miss you.... Me: me too!!!!! drop by any time. email me, call me, text me!
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M and S will bring this sadly rare Christian kindness with them and to their hall. They are not going to black list me or my house. Their hall will send people back. I have complete peace and trust that God's work has been finished. Please continue to pray for M and S.

Listen, if you have family or friends who are Jehovah's Witnesses, please don't give up talking to them. If you don't know how or you have before with no avail, please contact me. I will show you how to talk to them without getting upset or getting them upset.  I have a great mentor and friend through out this journey and I couldn't have done it without him. For more than 30 years, he used to be a JW and used to write for their publications. He got out and now "an associate member of the Evangelical Theological Society. Member of ISCA, International Society of Christian Apologetics. Member of Mensa." All things are possible for God. He can free their minds!!!

Oh Lord my God, You are so awesome and amazing. What is a year and a half compared to an eternity when one soul repents and returns to You???? Thank You for sending M and S to my door. Thank You for giving me an opportunity to learn, to commit to a call, and to struggle through all this. Thank You for my supportive friends who kept me accountable and also my not so supportive friends who kept me humble. Help me now to rest and be still. Let my spirit rejoice and be glad. You are precious Jesus, whoever finds you is like finding a rare treasure in a vast field. Help me hold onto this..................... In your precious name, AMEN.

Art of fear

I love this artistic statement Liu is making. As a Christian, as a Hong Kong citizen, as a US citizen, as the Presidential election approaches, as the day of the LORD approaches, etc this speaks to me so loudly about this world. This picture is what many people feel and probably what Liu feels as Chinese. This is what God's words have to say:

Phillipians 4-9

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


Take a look:

The Mending Project, an installation by artist Beili Liu consists of "hundreds of Chinese scissors suspended from the ceiling, pointing downwards. The hovering, massive cloud of scissors alludes to distant fear, looming violence and worrisome uncertainty. [Liu] sits beneath the countless sharp blades of the scissors, and performs the on-going simple task of mending."

Satisfaction

Hey. I struggle with feeling like I'm failing all. the. time. I always have some excuse for myself to fail. You know my life verse? Proverbs 13:4. Perfect for me. "The sluggard craves and gets nothing, but the desires of the diligent is fully satisfied."

I have to be honest, I bend towards laziness. Growing up, I did nothing but sit in front of a TV or mope around daydreaming. Now that I am a new creation in Christ, when I am lazy, I also crave to get stuff done. I really do. I have this craving to be a godly mom and godly wife and I have a plan in my head.

I don't want to be the sluggard who just keeps having these cravings of what my life should be or who I should become or why I did not do something. If these godly desires don't get fully satisfied, my heart gets confused, defeated, deflated, and crushed!

FAILURE gets etched in my brain and heart when my negative feelings collide with my godly cravings. 

When I read this verse, I am so convicted and motivated. It's written on the cover of my bible. I say it to myself before I go to sleep, because the second part of the verse is my goal. I want to be FULLY satisfied. That includes my spiritual walk with Jesus, housework, homeschooling, working out, being submissive... everything! The fruits of satisfaction pleases not only me, but my God.

LORD, Continue to teach me to do all things unto Your glory. AMEN.

A bit of my conversation with the Jehovah's Witnesses on Tuesday

Instead of M and S, S brought her mom, P, this past Tuesday. M is training to be a pioneer, which is a full time missionary for WT. This is part of our conversation after a video about Charles T Russell. They brought it over because i had mentioned something about WT starting with CTR and not the disciples.

 S-what did you think of the video? does WT still seem like it starts from just one man?

Me-i think the dvd was really good. it really shared a lot of Russell's faith journey.

S-like it said, trinity is not in the bible and yet churches teach it like it's truth.

Me-you're right.... hmmm... but the word bible is not in the bible either....how come the dvd teaches that trinitarinism like it's modalism?

Smom-what's modalism?

Me-what the dvd and the WT teaches. that Jesus is God is the Holy Spirit.

Smom-that is the trinity.

Me-no it's not. that's modalism. united pentacostal churches teach that. but that's only one church.

Smom-it doesn't matter, they are all the same. 

Me-no, that's not true. modalism is God, Jesus, Spirit as 1 person 3 roles. the trinity is where 3 completely different persons, 1 divine nature. God the Father is greater than Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit is the helper. They are 3 different persons. 

Smom-i have many Christian people explain to trinity like this: I am Pandora, I am a mother, a daughter and also a grandmother. 

Me-that's modalism. Trinity is, Adam and eve, 2 persons, 1 union. also we are a church, ears, eyes, feet, hands, but 1 church. 

Smom-that's not what our other christian friends explain it to us. we have never heard trinity being explained that way. 

S-do you believe in the trinity? 

Me-my community teaches... 

S-no, you, Joanna. 

Me-I do. because when i read the scriptures, nothing contradicts. God the father sends Jesus the Son. Jesus dies and resurrects, then Jesus the Son sends the Holy Spirit. 

S-so do you believe Jesus has a beginning? 

Me-In the beginning He was with God the Father. 

S-was he made? 

Me-if God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Spirit are 3 persons in 1, how could Jesus have been made if YWHW was not made?

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This is my plea!!! Preachers, Pastors, Teachers, USE God's Word to preach God's Word! This seems elementary, but so many of you have been wussified. You have sold your Bible for numbers. You have sold your calling for popularity. I wanted you to read what my conversation was because it shows how Christians cannot explain what the Trinity is right off without using another horrible modalism illustration. I am not talking about the church goers. I am talking about preachers, pastors, their wives, Sunday school teachers, leaders, and PARENTS. Great if you went or go to seminary and you do. Truth is, the largest percentage of conversions are Baptists turned JWs. I have talked to at least 10 JW's who used to be Baptists, or their parents are Baptists. They all said, I had a question about the trinity, or death, or hell, or being saved... and no one answered me. Or, they drew this diagram on a paper, told me they will get back to me, and never did. Or, it didn't make any sense and they didn't show me where in the bible. Again, it's not whether or not these questions were answered. It's about you selling out on Sundays, holding the Holy Bible of 66 books, and using several verses or even worse I've seen, ONE verse to "preach God's Word"! You only have 1 day, for what, 20 minutes, a week to speak to many of these people. What a GRAVE responsibility, at that pulpit that you hoard, to read Straight from His Word, His Mouth, and His Heart! How many of those words you preach every Sunday is your opinion on a specific topic? Let your people have His Words! They want it! If they don't want it, they don't want Him. If they reject you, they are rejecting Him. If you don't preach straight from the Bible, why should you expect your congregation open theirs any other days of the week? Just think about it. In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. Preach, the Word. End of rant. Thanks for reading.

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If you want to read more:
http://www.christianpost.com/news/2011-church-membership-southern-baptists-decline-cults-growing-48984/

This should make you mad at ourselves, specifically at the end when he lists that we believe in the "trinity -3 gods in one." A Jehovah's Witness's writing on wiki answers on the difference between Baptists and WT beliefs.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_a_Baptist_and_Jehovah's_Witnesses

A Mama's struggles

My struggles as a mother have not come from my kids' misbehavior or weird conduct. It has come from my own childhood. Whatever I was struggling with then, I still struggle with now. The way I was wired then, is the way I am still wired now. My struggles as a mother still come from the ways I saw my parents acted and reacted. Yes, I am a new creation in Christ. Yes, I have gone through the renewing of my mind. Yes, I have been saved by grace through faith in Jesus. My struggles as a mother come as I realize that I have to go through these steps each and every day to ensure the purity, sanity, and sanctity of my mind, heart, and soul.

Truth? It's tough! My normal childhood in the world was not normal at all. My childhood was not just in the word, but of the world. Going to temples and worshiping statues were a norm. The yelling and screaming ending with a talk of divorce every night was a norm. A depressed suicidal childhood was a norm. These things followed me into pre-adulthood and magnified as I found myself unprepared for adulthood, so I played pretend.

Dare. The dare was to stop playing pretend. The falsehood that chained me to its bones had me think that I was somehow doing all right. When I met Jesus in my car, I was immediately baptized with the Holy Spirit. Confronted with endless grace, I knew I couldn't lie to the face of the living God.

Difference? Hope. My struggles of laziness, longing for more of God, an untamed tongue, unsubmissive heart, wild thoughts.... have only one hope. JESUS. I am thankful Jesus has cut my chains to my old self but I am not perfect. When Paul said "Therefore" in Romans 12:1, he was addressing the remnants of Israel. Last verse in chapter 11 says God has bound everyone to disobedience so that He may have mercy on them ALL. So "in view of God's mercy," we have to offer our tongue, our minds, our hearts, our ears, our eyes, our feet, our laughter, our tears, our happiness, our anger, our sufferings, as a "living sacrifice." Our worship to the one true hope, one true God, is the ways we treat and employ the bodies God has given us.

Charge. The charge is for ultimate holiness. "Do not conform to the pattern of this world," Paul says. What pattern? The patterns of infidelity, idolatry, speech, jealousy, hatred, Christian feminism, self righteousness, love of money. On top of that, Paul added, "but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Renewed by God's Word, His righteousness, His kindness, His grace, His mercy, His submissiveness,.... everything that stands opposite to this world! Everything that the world cannot do without His help.

THEN! Then, I will be able to "test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will."

My struggles as a mother has not ended, but it HAS an end. :) It is a victorious end and it lies at the foot of the cross, in the blood of Christ, by the grace of God.


"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:1,2

Only what’s done for Christ will last.

‎"Two little lines I heard one day,
Traveling along life’s busy way;
Bringing conviction to my heart,
And from my mind would not depart;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Soon will its fleeting hours be done;
Then, in ‘that day’ my Lord to meet,
And stand before His Judgement seat;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,
Gently pleads for a better choice
Bidding me selfish aims to leave,
And to God’s holy will to cleave;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,
Each with its burdens, hopes, and fears;
Each with its clays I must fulfill,
living for self or in His will;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore,
When Satan would a victory score;
When self would seek to have its way,
Then help me Lord with joy to say;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,
In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep;
Faithful and true what e’er the strife,
Pleasing Thee in my daily life;
Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,
And from the world now let me turn;
Living for Thee, and Thee alone,
Bringing Thee pleasure on Thy throne;
Only one life, “twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,
Now let me say,”Thy will be done”;
And when at last I’ll hear the call,
I know I’ll say “twas worth it all”;
Only one life,’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last. ”

Only one life, ’twill soon be past,
Only what’s done for Christ will last.
And when I am dying, how happy I’ll be,
If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.”

C.T. Studd (1860-1931) was an English missionary who faithfully served His Saviour in China, India, and Africa. His motto was: "If Jesus Christ is God and died for me, then no sacrifice can be too great for me to make for Him."

MY God is a wonderful God

For the last few months, I have been challenged to live a confessed simple and submitted life. I have had a lot of experiences in life and I want everything to become part of my testimony. In seminary, the assumption is that people grew up in a Christian home and have godly parents/past. I was intimidated to becoming a pastor's wife, thinking there is some sort of shoe to fill or some job description i had to adhere to. i also thought i had to fit a certain mold in action dress etiquette and talk. now the Lord has always convicted me of not cursing, dressing modestly, eating healthily, season my conversations with grace and salt..... but my idea of a pastor/minister's wife was that i had to start wearing high heels, business looking type clothes, wear a purse, put makeup on, talk softly, etc... everything i am not! in the past few years, God has helped me understand He is not here to fit me into anyone's shoes since i won't be able to walk in them but to simply transform me continually into someone who does everything in reverence of Christ.

He LOVES me. I have a Heavenly Father who LOVES me. He is a perfect Father, the King of all Kings, the Sovereign LORD, my Savior, my Redeemer... that's all i need. Father God, all I want is to please You. Everything I do, I want to do for You. I want to do these things so I may know You, and the power of the resurrection. I will laugh, I will love, I will live, I will suffer, I will cry, I will grieve so I may know You as the Son knows You, as You know me... I will strive to know You through the Holy Spirit, through the Son who is the Word, through prayer, through song, through work, through parenting, through death, through life. So help me God, have grace on me, have mercy on me. I pray I will walk away from this life with one thought in my mind, that You, are mine, and I am Yours. Help us raise our children according to Your word and Your will. Shower Your blessings and grace upon them. Help each one of them overcome generational sins from our families. Forgive us as we exasperate them. Forgive us as we fail again and again in our relationships with You, with our spouse, and our children. Fill us with Thy Holy Spirit and continue Your ministry in us as we minister within our family and outside of our family. In Jesus' holy and awesome name I petition to You, AMEN.

Thoughts

It's been a crazy semester! Greek has been way fun. It is getting a bit confusing but I am determined to get it. M and S have been coming on Tuesdays. I have not been stressed out or burdened about the studies anymore since using Hess' methods. I feel that we are there to clear up the facts of our faith since the WT are out to destroy our reputation to the general JW.

All 3 of us got to share our testimonies somehow and M actually has a very powerful story. M was a drug addict for over 20 years and she asked God to give her strength to get out. He did, she got out, but the WT got to here quicker than we did. So my question now is, did God pull her out of a lifestyle or did God pull her out of eternal damnation. Does M know the true Jesus? I mean, she knows which god did it. She obviously knows the God who sent Jesus was the true God. But did Jesus revealed Himself to her yet? Either way, she is being led astray.

S didn't really have a testimony. Her husband died and the KH was the only support system she had. She has a desire to grow closer to God but is that desire a desire to fit in or a desire to really truly be broken for Him?

LORD, be with M. If she is one of Your sheep, get her back now! Holy Spirit quicken Your steps. Jesus, reveal Yourself for Your are the Word and You are God. Stiffen her heart and mind to the WT lies. Soften her spirit to Your calling. Allow us to continue to share with her. Help her identify with us as her family and help us treat her as a sister in Christ if indeed she is one.

Another thing that has been on my mind a lot is Church. We have been hopping around for the summer. I have made a pact with the LORD that I will take a sabbatical in leading worship this year. I am just frustrated and almost angry with pastors who don't preach the Word of God. I put it this way to my husband. If you don't preach from the Bible and read from page to page on the podium on the Lord's Day, then you shouldn't expect any of your members to do so on their own leisure time. What a hypocritical thing to do! To preach about spending time in the Word, praying fervently, and making disciples, and yet, the Church is doing nothing to exemplify those important elements for its families. It makes me mad that pastors nowadays don't have the faith they need in God's Word. They say "surrender all" to the Lord Jesus, and yet they don't surrender their church or themselves at the podium. Surrender your human schemes, your human methods, your human words and allow the Word of God to be the double edged sword, active, and living for your congregation!

One more thing that is heavy on my heart is my friend Laurie. She has been taken away from her spiritual family time and time again. The Devil has just been separating her and her brothers and sisters in Christ from her and not allowing her to connect with any of them. When I fight with my brothers and sisters, we make up and we are deeper in our relationship. We don't shun one another and we don't dis fellowship one another like the KH. We definitely do not forsake our kinship over anything. My prayer for her is that she will come to see the patterns of hurt in her relationships with other believers and find in Jesus the grace to be able to deal with conflict. I want her to be talking to me but she's probably blocked all my emails, numbers and blogs. I am ok with this knowing that she is faithful in her time with the LORD. Jesus speak to her as You have many times before this about this. I trust You will place her with other believers she can fight and pray with. I also pray for her father especially because he is near his end. I pray You will open his eyes and snuff out his pride. May Your will be done.

LORD help me also to submit to my husband, prioritize my life and housework and school and kids and ministries better. Give me wisdom to say no to things I don't need to be doing. Discern for me what is right and wrong. Continue to mold my kids and give me grace while i parent them. Restore our relationships after we have tough days and give me self control and kindness. Humble me and teach me to actively listen to others. Show me how to be a worship leader like Solomon and give me diligence in practicing on my instruments and camera. I know you are active in my dad's life. I ask You Jesus to give him grievance over his sins. Tonight I pray that You will convict him and move him closer to You. Show him how much You love and chase after him and let him know that You are the Way the Truth the Life, the Resurrection, the Word, the Light, the Messiah, and God. In Your beautiful name I ask these things to be done, and for myself to have faith in Your faithfulness. AMEN.