Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Thought I'd blog before 2009

So I've finally decided the reason behind my huge pregnancy belly is due to my already stretched out uterus. I am in my 3rd trimester and the baby is still moving like it has a lot of room! It is supposed to feel a bit constricted by now but it isn't. So either I am having a small baby, which I would really really appreciate but doubt we ever will, or my uterus is just extra large!

Anyway, it's been very nice having Phill around for 2 weeks. The kids love him and I have slept in so many days!!! My husband is the best and most godly man I have ever met. He is not perfect and has made many many mistakes but he is humble and willing to do anything to be in God's will. He is quite forgetful but sensitive and diligent. He tries hard and works hard. I know God has great plans for him and our family. Phill and I are both under transformation by God all the time and it's okay. We are in it together and that's what's keeps us so transparent and intimate with each other.

For Christmas, we bombarded our children with the birth of Christ. Books, programs, CDs, DVDs, .. you name it we did it. Abigail has so much excitement about Jesus and His birth. She loves to talk about the angel Gabriel, Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. She talks about the name Immanuel - God with us and loves how the shepherds and magis were excited about Jesus when they worshiped Him. Our hearts fill with passion and excitement to see how God is filling her with His love and His word. The Lord definitely has shown us that His words never return void when we are faithful to keep Him in our lives. We cooked and ate with some random homeless people down McCart Ave. on Christmas day. I have never done that before and even though I was compassionate and wanted to love them, I didn't really know how to do it. I just watched Phill do it and fed my children. They spoke mostly broken Spanglish and were drunk or drugged. They were extremely hungry and had lots of needs. I explained to Abigail that we needed to show them love because God showed us love and that we were to love them as Jesus has loved us because they don't have Jesus like us. Both Abigail and Isaac were very friendly with the homeless and gave them 5's and ate well. I am allergic to smoke so every time someone came up to talk I had to hold my breath as long as I could. I felt more comfortable with the homeless women. I never feel comfortable when any strange man, homeless or not, decide to talk to me. We feel that the Lord has provided a way for us to love and serve these homeless people. We heard so many street living rules, games and things you have to do to get money stories, they even have homeless gangs. We didn't want our family traditions to be about presents, big holiday meals, and meaningless prayers around the table. We wanted Jesus in all of it.

Lord, You are awesome. You have given us what we need and shown us great mercy. Continue to provide for us and for us to serve others. Help us give when we seemingly can't anymore. Guide us in Your ways and give us the love to love people who we can't love. Do miracles in our lives and let us shine before others for You. AMEN.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Love is tough

So before I blog about love, I wanted to note down that my husband and I had "intensive fellowship" last night about political matters among other stuff that was brought up. I read a lot about politics, not as much as I want to and not as much as my hubby does, and I am a pro-life and pro traditional marriage right wing conservative. I know what I believe in and I know what God teaches and I will support only what is morally sound. I am intolerant in my beliefs and I will stand up for what is right in the sight of God. So will my husband.

Personally, I don't see it as a problem to "legalize" gay unions or abortions. Every human being has a right to make choices. Even if these things are not legalize, people will still choose to live in gay lifestyles or kill their babies. That's their own choice. Truth is, man is not sovereign, God is. A marriage covenant is only valid in the eyes of God and murder is sin. Anyway, reason why we will always vote conservative is not because we are intolerant but because there is a battle for where tax money goes. If we ever voted for someone who use tax money to kill babies, or affirm sexual immorality, or affirm homosexuality, we will be held accountable for who we let into office.

The issue that my husband did convince me of last night, was that it is fine that public schools will use tax money to advance gay agendas and safe sex and all this stuff because it is government school. That's a huge reason why he is in ministry, not paying that tax and why we will never send our kids to government schools. He had a point. Those are government schools.

The point is to get this political fight over with so we are not spending billions just for the fight. I get it.

Anyway, love is tough. I cannot love those I don't love. I realized that. I need God to transform that part of me. I am trying so hard. I am praying and getting help. Truth is, it's too hard for me. God is going to have to do a miracle in my soul and my heart. Growing up in an environment where I failed to bond with anyone had a huge part in my inability to know how to love and accept those who don't reach my "expectations". I have chosen to be a transparent person, and yet, a lot of people just don't love me either because I am weird, blunt, rude, assertive, and "intolerant". I have less than 5 people who truly love me for who I am. I don't know what's going on. I just know God has to reveal it to me. God, help me for I am nothing. You are the One who can transform me and help me because You are the only One who knows me since birth. I don't even know myself enough to help myself. I have no control over this. Please take over and cleanse me. Continue Your work in me. Make me holy and let my life glorify Your name. Help my children deal with our generational sins and give us hope to make our family line holy for You. We want a family with servants and ambassadors of Christ. We dedicate our family to You that You will do glorious things through us and our children and grandchildren. You are our God and our King. AMEN.

Deuteronomy 6:5-9

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

So I didn't blog in November

I know I am getting a cold. It's that achy feeling in the neck and oh yeah, the throat. I am 25 weeks pregnant according to the midwives but I still think I am 27 weeks. I have a strange feeling that this baby might come naturally. Let's see what happens. I was a little intimidated about VBAC after getting 2 babies out by knives but I have a renewed sense of courage and excitement about natural birth from God.

God thank You for Your provisions. Thank You for Your grace and mercy on this family. Thank You for Your plans. I pray for our children that You will bless them and keep them. Reveal to me my sins and shortcomings. I pray Your victory and Your control over my fears, sins, and incapabilities. Help us raise our children in Your word, Your eyes, Your guidance, Your wisdom, and Your character. We can't do it on our own. Teach them through us. Give them passion to love You and serve You. Dig deep into their hearts and cleanse them with Your righteousness. Keep them pure in their actions, thoughts, and intentions. Capture their hearts for us and through us. AMEN.


"On matters of style, swim with the current. On matters of principle, stand like a rock."

— President Thomas Jefferson

For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect [at peace with or loyal] toward him….

II Chronicles 16:9 KJV


Monday, October 27, 2008

And WHAT occasion is THIS?

My husband came home from class and we came up with something that seriously made lots of sense. We hate halloween and will never capitalize it, celebrate it or let our kids give or get candies or dress up for it and we have tons of reasons for it..... But this new reason is awesome!

See, we were trying to figure out why we would disagree with others that "dressing up for halloween is harmless," and my husband asked this great question. "Why are we dressing up?" We dress up to worship God on Sundays to be respectful... we dress up to please our spouse or others to flatter them... we dress up to a graduation or party to congratulate and celebrate... we dress up to a conference or meeting to make an impression... we even dress ourselves in pyjamas for the occasion to sleep restfully. But what are we teaching our kids when we dress up on halloween? Just WHO are we honoring? Why are we dressing up?

When we dress up, decorate, do trick or treats, and go to "boo events", we are teaching our kids that SOMETHING important is going on or SOMEONE is special. Candies, decorations, and outfits, the facade of harmlessness, are just another MARKETING OF EVIL. Parenting is a spiritual battle.

Now WHY in my sane mind, would I ever open my kids and myself up to terror and fear at any "boo events"? I don't know. Growing up not being Christians, my parents let me see horror movies and I've been to the worst of all, halloween horror nights at Islands of Adventures. "Oh it's not real", "just pretend they're in underwear", "why are you such a wimp" ...... even since my childhood, I have known evil is real, and demonic forces are real. I screamed all the way through the Island of Adventures. I was 21 years old. I knew those ghosts and dead people were not real, but I felt demonic presences all around me. So, we would rather teach my kids and myself to stay away from and hate evil, than to teach them to harden their hearts to evil. We are taught by the word of God to guard our hearts and not associate with evil. And on top of it all, why would I go somewhere or do something on purpose to watch and hear my own children cry and scream in fear. That's just a bit sick to me.
PSALM37
PROVERBS 4
EPHESIANS 4
Again, parenting is a spiritual battle and with God's help, we will not falter.

As a mom, I have thought about how they'd miss the fun of dressing up. But how about dressing up on Christmas as someone on the nativity scene and serving at shelters or other places? We hate walking around seeing santas everywhere when we do not celebrate him either. Yet people complain about nativity scenes and menorahs. Why do non Christians always want Christians to be "tolerant" yet they have no tolerance for us and our beliefs?

God you are sovereign. Help us to actively engage ourselves in spiritual battle. Help us to know the schemes of our Enemy. Help our future generations to discern with God's wisdom and love with Christ's love. Help me to be sensitive and discerning. Help us spread Your love one person at a time. God help us all. AMEN.
Lifesong - Casting Crowns

Empty Hands held high
Such Small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you
Chorus:
Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign your name
to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

LORD, I give my life
A Living sacrifice
To reach a world in need
To be your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You



Friday, October 24, 2008

Almost bald

Okay, I still have more than a head full of hair. It's just that for the past two days, the combination of horrible sleep and two sick but active toddlers (one with stomach virus and the other teething) and an apartment full of junk to clean is driving me insane! I am totally exhausted and ready to ship myself off to a deserted island for a day,... maybe just an hour. I feel bloated and huge and keep telling everyone that I am 20 months instead of 20 weeks pregnant (not on purpose), but just maybe, I really do feel that way. I have cried out to God while vacuuming and cooking, held back my anger while disciplining, forced myself to hug and kiss my children, and unhook my already extended bra to breathe. We pray for wisdom and patience Lord. Help us capture Abigail and Isaac's hearts for Your kingdom. Give us the love, kindness, and will to discipline them. God, we can't do it. We can't do any of this without Your wisdom and grace. Set them apart for Your glory Lord. AMEN.


Little boy on his knees - Cheri Keaggy

He see's me in the morning,
Lifting him out of bed.
The sun comes with little warning,
A brand new day's ahead.
To the kitchen for some breakfast,
A plate of toasted bread,
A cup of milk just as expected,
Close your eyes and bow your head.

You can thank him for anything you want to,
For the flower's and the trees
And pray,Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.

He's Mommy's little helper.
Learning to comb his hair.
And loves his baby sister,
Though he doesn't always share.
A quarter in the bucket,
A memory verse or two,
Although he may not know it,
He's beginning to follow you.

You can thank him for anything you want to,
For your Daddy and for me.
And pray, Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.

As we teach our Son to serve the Lord, in every way,
Lord the most important thing is this that we now pray,
Lord, we thank you everything you give us, but most importantly,
We pray Lord Jesus, make our Son a little boy on his knees.

Lord we thank you for everything you give us, but most importantly
We pray, Lord Jesus, make our Son,
A little boy on his knees.
We pray that someday he'll become,
A young man on his knees.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Special Guest blogger - my husband

How do you reconcile a loving God with one who punishes the sins of their fathers?

"You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments. - Exodus 20:4-6

We must understand that inherited sin brought more than generational sin. First it brought the potential to sin to the next generation, and second it brought a sense of guilt. The guilt, and potential to sin is hard to overcome. But instead of looking at the "punishment of their fathers" reconcile this to the "grace of our Father." You may think I am ignorant of the question therefore I'm changing directions, but I want to proceed and give an indirect approach.

Look at the context of Genesis 15, where God blesses Abraham by telling him he will have a child. Abraham them follows into a deep sleep, and God speaks:

"As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. Then the LORD said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. You, however, will go to your fathers in peace and be buried at a good old age. In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure."

In this passage you see the sins of his generation building, but not yet reaching its full. When it is full God will punish these nations, and give Abraham's descendants the land. We will eventually see that Joshua takes the land which will be known as Canaan, a land of Promise. Recognize that this is first and foremost an example of God's grace. God's wrath and punishment is a response to a lack of repentance from the people. From this passage to the beginning of Joshua 200-400 years would have past (depending if you take the Early Date or Late Day theory of Exodus, this is another subject). God has given the people of the land 200-400 years to respond to God's call on them. He will use a patriarchal response through the likes of Isaac, Jacob, and Esau to reach all the lands stretching forth from their wanderings of Ur to the southern depths of Egypt. God in His merciful grace reached out, but ultimately as we all know the people were unresponsive, and we see godless generations that fail to see God's grace. But we do know someone responded. Her name is Rahab. She responded, and thus God used her and later fulfilled a promise through her; David her offspring, and Jesus, the son of God. This is grace (the whole world was saved!), not punishment. Now i'm not ignorant or unaware of God's wrath, but that comes to fruition in Deuteronomy 29:27-28, "Therefore the LORD's anger burned against this land, so that he brought on it all the curses written in this book. In furious anger and in great wrath the LORD uprooted them from their land and thrust them into another land, as it is now." But the people knew, and they had their opportunity to respond to His grace, but God's plan is greater than that of mans.

How do we reconcile the two? Like Erwin McManus asked us during his sermon I'll ask you the same, "Take a deep breath, now don't breathe out until you realize you need it." That's God's grace. And one day our flesh will die. This is the consequence of sin; death. God's grace is always greater than His wrath. We will have our time, and like the Israelites; are we going to respond, or be like the Canaanites who refused to breathe.

---------------------

So, how do we answer the mass killings mentioned in the Old Testament that Israel had done to many nations in the name of God. In the Hebrew text it is translated as 'chechem'. Understand this in context of what was previously written; God's grace was shown prior to God's wrath. Also understand that there was no redemption to sin. So the death of any persons in the Old Testament led to death (spiritually, and physically) until the death and resurrection of Christ. So when the sins of the nations reached their full, we see a response by God, but there was grace. But in this understand that this led to Christ's death and resurrection; his grace to man, but also God's greatest wrath towards the sinful. Where there is redemption to sin, now there lies judgment to those who do not believe. I cannot explain or understand in detail God's wrath, but He is consistent, and it's up to us in how we respond.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Marketing of Evil - David Kupelian

If Satan is good at anything, it's the marketing of evil. He makes sin look fine, even good. I know I have been really quiet about govt and politics since I've been pregnant, but I am still reading on everything. I have just been so exhausted to think and type what I think. God is sovereign and whatever happens, He is in control. Lord, I continue to pray that Your glory be shown in all of this mess in our world. Just like Noah, we are sealed in a convenant with You. Noah in the ark, us in Christ's blood, anyhow we are sealed. I just pray that You will continue to soften hearts and turn them to repentance. Let us not be deceived by Satan's marketing of the world and motivate us to find the truth and stand firm in it. Continue to guide our family as we walk with You. Humble my heart to allow others to teach me. Help me find women who will hold me accountable and mentor me with love. Show us each day how to win the hearts of our children to You. Your way not mine. AmEN.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Inadequate.... Left out?

Man, I feel inadequate. I have been feeling like that since Phill told me that God has finally revealed His plan to prepare his heart to pastor. Well, I feel left out from this plan!!! I mean, I have known that we have been called to full time ministry since before we were married. But what about me?! What about His plan to prepare my heart to become a wife of a pastor?!?!?! You can't just give me a title and expect I'd know what to do with it. What happened to that part?! I have so many relational problems! I am like a troubled kid with a troubled past and a troubled present... Different troubles. But still! I am inadequate. I am going to need lots and lots and lots of counseling, help, prayers, classes, healing, accountability, effort, heart, desire... lots and lots of all those things, to ever start working towards becoming a pastor's wife!!!

God, hear Your servant's desperate cry to You. Will you not show me what to do? What to pray for? Tell me how, when, where, why, who!!! Lord, I feel left out and I want in. Deal with me and mold me into someone I am not right now. Set a goal in front of me and let me see where I can run to. You are my true living God Who is able to do all things. I will rely upon You and keep asking You. Reveal Yourself to me and make it obvious to me what to do. AMEN.

Friday, October 3, 2008

From horrendous to stupendous

God knows my every need. I was having such a bad day with my lymph node and ear, then Isaac woke up in the middle of our grocery shopping, and then even went poopy while we were getting back in the car. I had problems yesterday, and yet God showed His compassion and sovereignty through a trash can by the car and comfort by the Holy Spirit. I am learning to be a more God-centered wife, mother, and neighbor every day, and I am amazed by the ways He is transforming me each and every minute. I need Your grace God, to become the woman You want me to be. I definitely need a lot more than compassion and books to become a pastor's wife. Lord, I know this is one of the things I cannot learn on my own. Teach me, guide me, and place me with the people You know will be able to train me. God, have mercy on my family. You know our distress and our situation. Have compassion on Leo. Soften Teresa's heart. Continue to speak to Mimi and Anson. Save my parents. Help me love those who don't love me and help me want those who don't want me. Continue to convict me of my sins and demand a life of holiness in me. Set apart my children and my children's children for Your purpose. May we be used by Your will. AMEN.


Your Grace is enough Chris Tomlin
Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

One of dem Peters

After the last post, I knew I had to write about people who are like Peter. One of the reasons being that I am married to one of dem Peters.

I admire my husband. He is a man who is in love with God. He makes mistakes like everyone else, and he is sometimes even annoying to me, but he picks up where he left off and keeps pursuing Christ. I have seen him do this more than like 10 times since we've been married and we've only been married 4 years. He has a perseverance that I have not seen in anyone.

Phill grew up in a traditional buddhist Chinese household and no, he did not have a good childhood either. Oddly, he went to church since he was young and had Christian education till high school. Still, that doesn't guarantee a Christian life for anyone since lots of people who have or had a similar life do not end up serving Jesus. But my husband is one of dem Peters.

Yes, he rebelled in his own ways, and he disobeyed and fell short of God's glory. But the Peters never commited anything big like one of dem Pauls, going around murdering Christians. Me, I was bad. So I accepted Jesus' grace, it hit me like a brick wall. When I hit it, I was in love with Christ, ready to die for Him, and do anything for His glory. To me, what is amazing is how one of dem Peters can love God so much like one of dem Pauls.

I probably don't make sense to anyone right now, but the truth is, the more you are forgiven, the more you love. It's in the bible, look for it. So whenever I look at Phill and how much he is sacrificing each day and how willing he is to dedicate his whole life to Christ, I am floored. I mean, I had to suffer a lot, sin a lot, and go wayward a lot for God to get to me. But Phill didn't. I just think it's amazing that one of dem Peters can love Christ so much! And you have no idea how blessed it is to be married to a man who submits his will, his life, and his all under the sovereignty of a living God. It is marvelously ridiculous.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

One of dem "Paul"s

We all know that Paul was one of the baddest Jews around town. He wore the laws around him, kept the Shabbat holy, ate kosher food, was circumcised, and was most importantly persecuting anyone who claimed Jesus to be the Son of God. Paul beat them, burned them, hanged them, spat at them, scorned at them.

Then, BAM, he was changed. He became one of "them" followers of Christ because of an encounter on the road to Damascus. Paul was instantly transformed into a passionate martyr who gave his life to see others saved. Apparently, Paul was never a Peter or a John.

My point is, there's lots of people who were saved like a Peter or a John, and then there are people who were saved like a Paul. Of course, all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

But like my husband, he is definitely a Peter. He accepted Christ when he was 6, had great friends and parents of his friends who held him accountable. And yes, a little rebellion and little mistakes here and there, but he stood up and followed Jesus after a long struggle.

Now, me, I am definitely one of dem Pauls. I grew up bowing before dead relatives, coughing at incense, laughing at Bible stories and intelligent design, and a terrible brat who would sell her life for security and love.

Then, BAM, I met Jesus, and I knew He was the One. I left everyone and everything behind. Even though I had only been a follower since 2003, my knowledge and faith was blasting all over the place. My husband thought I had been a Christian for a decade when he met me, which was 3 months into my Christian walk.

I had to go through all of those bad tough times for Jesus to get to me and I wish some things didn't have to happen. But I am glad I am one of dem Pauls, because my life is a miracle. Christ is glorified in me because He was the One who gave me a life that is meaningful, convicted, hard but filled with joy. My life was turned around and transformed in a way that Peters, Johns, families and friends will never fully understand. Jesus is as real as a lemon. He is never to be sold out on or ignored.

God I do pray, that if You allowed me to start out as one of dem Pauls, that You will also give me strength, perseverance, passion, determination and the grace to finish well as one of dem Pauls. Sustain me and walk with me. All glory to You. AMEN.

KING OF GLORY THIRD DAY
Who is this King of Glory that pursues me with his love
And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words
My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need
Who is this King of Glory who offers it to me

Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace
Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries
My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand
Who's this King of glory, Son of God and son of man

His name is Jesus, precious Jesus
The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart
The King of glory

Who is this King of Glory with strength and majesty
And wisdom beyond measure, the gracious King of kings
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
Who is this King of Glory, He's everything to me
The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things
He is the King of glory, He's everything to me

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wowzer

I thought I should at least blog once in August. Tonight, I led worship at Metochai! Kathy and I had fun. This calling to lead worship with music is getting clearer and clearer as we speak and still I doubt. I doubt my abilities mostly, and my availability, as in "You want me to do all this while we have 3 toddlers?"

When we left Miami, I had 3 friends. Becca, Phill and Jesus. I think I had given up trying to find people with my odd passions, hobbies and interests. God has shown me that I need to depend on only Him and what it is like to be an outcast. Most of my so called friends have deserted me and plainly rejected me. I have been called lots of things, and I am particularly proud about the one time I was called "narrow-minded" by a "good friend".

There is hope I believe. I think there might be some oddballs like me in Metochai afterall. I can't wait to know these sisters in Christ God have in store for me. Lord, you know I need healthy relationships. I pray for a mentor, and accountability partners; people who want to grow in Christ on their own and with me. You have the future in Your hands. I ask that You will be with our children and help them understand who You are. Help us to be the parents who will reflect Your image to them. Give me patience, wakefulness, and gentleness. I want You to come back not to deliver us from the mess here on earth but to show Your faithfulness that every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that You are Lord. AMEN.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I am a new creation in Christ

Family, relatives, and old aquaintances just have a hard time understanding who I am and the concept that I am not the same. I also have a hard time reconnecting to the past and people from the past. I hated living in Hong Kong, I hated living in Florida, I hated the fact that my friends were not my friends, and that my family wasn't my family. After accepting Jesus as the only King in my life, I found my self worth in Him. If I wasn't worth anything, He would not have died for my sins. I now have true friends with deep relationships, a family who loves God and is geared for the Kingdom, and I know I am a citizen of heaven, my home is in heaven with Him. It's time to repost an old post......

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Standing alone

Twenty something years of my life past by me when I was all right with being inconsiderate, profane, selfish, immoral... a liar, a thief, an adulteress, a murderer... I, am a woman with a shameful, guilty, godless past. I was unstable, irresponsible, impulsive, and depressed. I did things to make myself feel happy during the day, yet curled up with pain in my heart at night. I attempted to seek peace through self-help books, music, shopping, and even the most despised of all, religion. I was desperate. I was in agony. My soul was empty. Life was meaningless.

But isn't it? We work and we slave for the things that we want and need. And money, the very thing we work for, owns us. Yet, at the end of life, who will take their bank accounts to their graves? Who will be full from the meals they have consumed? Who, will we be accountable to? Even my parents have disciplined me when I was a child. Teachers have graded my papers and given me F's.

Am I to fail at what I am given, even though I did not ask for it? Who will cherish my life if I did not? Who will love me when I cannot even find myself worthy? And at what price...?

For God did NOT send His Son into the world, to CONDEMN the world, but to SAVE the world through Him.

I have experienced a love that I still do not understand. A love so crazy. A love so sacrificial. My life was NOT saved by a church. My life was NOT saved by a religion. My life was precious to my Creator. Jesus came to me in my car when I cried out to Him. He sat beside me as I sobbed. He took my burden and carried my transgressions. Jesus, my God, saved me. And He was my price on the cross.

So is it OK to admit that I would die for Him? That I will speak the Truth in love to everyone I cross roads with? Relatives have left me, friends have isolated me, people have called me narrow minded, and I have been made anew! To stand alone is to have the will to die for Jesus as He has died for me. To stand alone is to be persecuted verbally, physically and emotionally, yet still singing to praise Him.

I will stand alone in Christ, and in Him alone will I glory.

KING Tree63

We have heard the thunder
We have seen the storm
Echoes of your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
Where one day we will stand before you Lord
Our altogether beautiful reward

CHORUS:
And we will give you glory bring you honor
King above all kings
You deserve our everything
We will lift our voices with your praises
Jesus you are our king

Though now we walk in darkness
Though now we see in part
Right now we're warmed by the burning flames
Of the fire in our hearts
You've promised you would lead us to your throne
Where we will worship you and you alone

Friday, July 18, 2008

I had to comment on this website

http://albawaba.com/en/news/223157

I wrote: "No matter what his (Obama) beliefs are, he is extremely liberal. Too liberal to be Jewish, Christian, or Muslim. He is pro-abortion, anti traditional marriage, wants to raise taxes, and has a liberal wife who eggs him on. When he becomes president he will not only demoralize the country, but the people of the country and of other nations!"

Thursday, July 17, 2008

I am gonna be bloated

We are expecting baby #3!! And I am already getting nauseous when I smell fish.

Monday, July 14, 2008

One day...

http://www.citizenlink.org/CLBriefs/A000007787.cfm

Man Sues Bible Publishers over Verses on Homosexuality

A Michigan man is suing Zondervan Publishing and Thomas Nelson Publishing, claiming biblical references to homosexuality as a sin violate his constitutional rights and have caused him emotional pain and mental instability.

Bradley LaShawn Fowler, 39, is seeking $60 million from Zondervan and $10 million from Thomas Nelson, The Grand Rapids (Mich.) Press reported. He is representing himself in both claims.

Fowler claims the Bible has made him an outcast and contributed to physical discomfort and periods of "demoralization, chaos and bewilderment."

"As frivolous as this case may sound, it's an indicator of where the homosexual agenda is headed," said Bruce Hausknecht, judicial analyst for Focus on the Family Action. "Ten years from now, this type of case won't be humorous at all; we'll see organizations like the ACLU dedicating resources to them because such 'language' will no longer be considered protected speech.

"Sweden, Canada and the U.K. are already prosecuting religious speech as 'hate' speech, as it relates to the biblical view of homosexuality."

One day, I will be arrested for proclaming the gospel and the diety of Christ. One day, I will be called a 'hater' even though I have the love of Christ. One day, the Bible will be illegal and true worshipers of Jesus will be underground.

Why would this man sue Bible publishers? That's like suing the authors and publishers of any books that went against any Biblical values and offended people like me who love the Lord and His laws. It is not like someone sat this man down and forced the Bible in front of him and made him read it day and night until he believed it. This is so sad. I am just disgusted by the backwardness of this world. God deliver us from evil.

One day, Jesus will be back to reign the heavens and the earth. One day, on earth, above the earth and under the earth, every knee shall bow and tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. God, my prayer is that You show me what Your will for me is. I still can't quite put it all together. Music, kids, the deaf, and politics? You have put in my heart these passions but they confuse me and I feel not just unworthy but incompetent! Hear my plea and give me clear visions of my calling.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

"Real Christians Don't Do Politics"

That's like when people say to me, "Jesus is just a crutch to your hopelessness". They are right! He is a crutch. Without Him I am hopeless. He is my only hope, refuge, strength, deliverance, Savior, and God.

Real Christians don't do politics. We don't. We just stand up for the truth. And politicians and general public just hate it, especially when you claim that the truth is the Word of God, Jesus Christ, the Trinity, and Christ's Resurrection. The Devil has His grand scheme (Eph 6:11) just as we have Jesus' great commission (Matt 28:16-20).

According to Ephesians 6, we are to take hits from all sides.
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.

We need to recognize this:
1. That the Devil has a scheme to take over the powers in this world, meaning politicians, rich billionaires, and nuclear families.
11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.

2. Being active, signing petitions, voting, supporting conservatives, and calling governors do not mean you are being a politician doing politics.
12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

3. We are to keep ourselves updated spiritually, mentally and physically, and know what is going on in our nation so we don't have to find out from the media who distorts everything with an agenda. We are not to create chaos, we are to stand our ground and pass on a legacy to our next generation.
13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

4. Stand firm then,
"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me." Matthew 5:11 We are standing up for a Savior who is real and coming back and will be held accountable for the kind of "truth" we stand up for.14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,

5. And be open to sharing the Truth with people who cross our paths. Like abortion is wrong because life is created by God in the womb. Funny thing is, people don't like stepping on grass and put signs for others to preserve their lawn. What about a fetus that is eating, drinking, peeing, pooping, moving, and growing into a human being?
15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.

6. We are to know our history, constitution laws, senators, reps, governors, and organizations that are fighting everyday for our Christian beliefs in the government. Being a part of a petition, lobbying, email, reading up on stuff etc is a legacy, responsibility and effort to win this tug o war with Satan.
16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

7. People are going to tell us that real Christians don't do politics. Truth is, it is about our future generations falling into our Enemy's hands. It is not about silly agendas, it is about a Kingdom and its children.
17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

8. We do not lose hope or strength because He is our fortress and our goal. Choose to be a Kingdom warrior, and know our Enemy. He will be vanquished, and Jesus will be Lord. We have to persevere and pray with stubborness. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

9. It is God who will make this nation. It is God who will make the mystery of the gospel known. It is God who will be faithful with our future generations when we are faithful to the Truth. I will be fearless, I will know Him in my sufferings. So, use me, God. 19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel,

10. Are we up to this calling? 1 Thess 2:11-13 Are we reading His Word, spending time with Him, passionately pursuing what He wants us to do, and raising our next generation to love Him with their lives? We are to live worthy of His calling! 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Lord, be my shepherd. I will fight for You and my future generations. Deliver our future generations and help us instill Your passion for Your people and Your nations in them. Teach us to raise them in Your path. AMEN.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Far from the world

I have not been on the internet for like 2 weeks. I feel out of touch already. All the things that have happened in court rooms and state capitols pass me by without mercy! Anyway, just a quick note, I reading the oath to become an American, and I had to think about it very seriously. I don't think I agree 100% with the government and how everything works. I wouldn't overthrow it but I'd want to change it. I think the system of finding suitable leaders for our mayors, senators, reps, and president is out of date. I believe people who want to be a part of our gov't need to take few diverse classes of history and politics, take all kinds of tests, proven to be dilligent and moral, and also have military experience. I believe it should be harder. Rather than just raise billions of dollars, owing activisits and millionaires lots of favors, having good looks and presentation, and being a good talker. God, make this nation Your own. Rise up godly leaders and raise up the future generations to love You and serve You. I love you. Use me.

Friday, June 20, 2008

"Persecution will be the norm"

Over the past few months, I have been reading up and sending petitions about ENDA. This bill cannot happen. This bill is a wolf dressed in sheep skin.

"Employment non discrimination act" sounds like a really nice... no discrimination, everybody equal kinda bill. It's not. It's an overboard, we're suing you if you don't like us, you can't fire me, you have to hire me, i don't care about what you believe in... kinda bill.

Basically, it's a bill that allows a homosexual to sue an organization, company, person, anything anybody, once they feel offended. They can totally make stuff up to get you in trouble if they really want to get rid of you. You'd have to tiptoe around these people, or act like you like them, or act like you agree with them, and act like you're okay with them acting weird around you or hit on you.

Even faith based organizations will be forced to hire anyone who openly offends their faith, beliefs and what they are founded on.

What about everyone else who is offended by these people who act like they don't care? I am offended when they openly act gay in front of me. I am offended when they teach my future generations it's okay to be like them. I am offended when they have agendas in schools. I am offended by the way they act like they are offended that we are offended. I love the gay people because they are still people. I have family and friends who are gay. But I certainly do not condone their behaviors and I am honest with them about it.

Am I going to be scorned by my beliefs? You bet. Am I going to be hated and gossiped about because of my faith? YES. I am even going to be persecuted, sued, spat on, you name it because of what I believe in. But I have a God who went through all that, and a God that has passed on His wisdom to us. He has been clear about His laws and His love. His choice to redeem and deliver us from our sins and indulgence. I have no doubt one day I will die for Him as He has died for me. I am ready to be martyred for what and who I believe in because I know that Jesus is real and that His faithfulness will be honored. Christ will be glorified in the end. Every knee shall bow, and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Under the earth, on the earth, and in heaven. Everyone will know the truth one day whether we like it or not.

God, give us the strength, perseverance, and steadfastness to fulfill Your purposes for us. Use us for Your glory. May Your kingdom come and will be done. Deliver us from the evil and persecution by the people around us who hate us because they hate You first. You are with us till the end. May You be glorified.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Employment_Non-Discrimination_Act

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Relationships

I finally know what God has been trying to do for the past 3 years!!!! He's been trying to heal my insecurities in relationships. Since I came back from missions, I have been dealing with tons of relationships. From my dad to my ex, friends to family. I need closure and healing. God continue You work in me and give me courage. Be with me as I step into the lion's den. I want my faith to be completed through fire and suffering. Test me, teach me, use me. Please open and close doors for me. Reveal Yourself to my dad and sister. Guide and lift up my older sister as she shines before her family as You have for us. Deliver us and protect us as we advance for Your kingdom.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

A letter to John McCain, Candidate for US President

Thank you for your work as a Senator and upstanding candidate for US President. When California demonstrated that marriage can be redefined by any judge at any time, I was shocked at the inactivity and attitude of apathy from every citizen and government official in this country.

We should not the bystanders of appparent judicial tyranny. Our American democracy should not be mocked by special interest activisits and their supporters.

Please support American families by backing the federal Marriage Protection Amendment.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Lord have mercy

Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, issued this statement late today after Colorado Gov. Bill Ritter signed SB 200:

“Who would have believed that the Colorado state Legislature and its governor would have made it fully legal for men to enter and use women’s restrooms and locker-room facilities without notice or explanation?

“Henceforth, every woman and little girl will have to fear that a predator, bisexual, cross-dresser or even a homosexual or heterosexual male might walk in and relieve himself in their presence. The legislation lists every conceivable type of organization to which this law applies, including restaurants, bathhouses, massage parlors, mortuaries, theaters and ‘public facilities of any kind.’ Those who would attempt to protect females from this intrusion are subject to a fine of up to $5,000 and up to one year behind bars.

“This is your government in action. It represents a payback to Tim Gill and two other billionaires who have essentially ‘bought’ state legislators with enormous campaign contributions. Coloradans deserve better!

“And by the way, because of the way this bill is written, it is not subject to the initiative process. There is no recourse.”

http://www.citizenlink.org/content/A000007522.cfm


I wrote to the governor of Colorado

Dear Governor Ritter,

I personally thank you for all you have done and sacrifices made as the governor of Colorado. Colorado is a beautiful state whose people have high moral standards and strong families.

However, I was deeply saddened and disappointed when I read about the SB-200. I was even surprised that an upstanding governor like yourself would consider signing this bill to be passed.

I understand this is an anti-discrimination bill that encourages people not to be biased. But to force ladies to let men into their bathrooms or vice versa, and letting our children's privacy be violated in such a way is unheard of! My children and I will never be safe in a public bathroom ever again.

Please hear my plea as a concerned citizen and worried mother. Do not sign this bill. Do not become the one to be held accountable for the disasters and moral decay that will result from this bill.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Joanna Koo


This is what I think. I am not interested in politics or saving the planet. I am interested in only one thing, and that is standing for what I believe in as a passionate follower of Jesus Christ. A lot of conservative Christians, evangelicals, and preachers are not doing anything because "it's politics", or they've been brainwashed already by liberals to "be tolerant", and therefore to be stepped upon. The truth is, we are being persecuted!

Well, I am not talking about physical persecution of the Christians. Oh God, no. The nation will be in big trouble for killing us. We are now under spiritual persecution! The evil forces, Satan and its dominion, have worked hard to get to us and our children. Every single Christian should start realizing that this is a huge spiritual warfare! Little by little, our rights as spiritual guides to our children are being mocked, ridiculed and taken away. People either don't know or they don't know what to do because it's totally undercover and too huge for any one of us to handle.

God Almighty, let the governor hear my plea for my family and my nation. Have mercy on Your nation and deliver Your people. Amen.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I am furious at people who support this eroneous bill

SB 200 - "Expansion of Discrimination Prohibitions" bill - PASSED SENATE & HOUSE
Introduced by Sen. Jennifer Veiga and Rep. Joel Judd, SB 08-200 will expand language prohibiting discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, including transgender status, in housing practices, public accommodation, eligibility for jury service, availability of family planning services, as well as many other areas.
This is a chance to update the current laws in order to have consistency and predictability in the way Colorado's anti-discrimination laws are applied. It will also add sex, marital status, disability, age, national origin, ancestry and religion as needed.
We must be sure to have protections not only against blatant acts of discrimination that occur, but also against the subtle discrimination that remains so pervasive!

And in turn, these people are going to be invasive and unreasonable! How will my children ever be safe in a public bathroom or changing room by themselves? I am so mad and terrified for my children and my children's children. I can only cry out to my sovereign God at this time. Lord, I am furious. Calm my soul and give me peace. Show Your glory in this country. Deliver us from this evil age! Save my children and my children's children from this sinful world and ridiculous acts of evil. Lord help me help them. What can I do? What can I do but to lean on You and ask You to shine? Please give me strength. Jesus, help me and my future generations be salt and light unto this world. Do not let any of my future generations to get lost in the world! God, be with my family. Deliver us! Help us!!! God I pray for the people who are going to be affected by this in Colorado. Let it be evidential that this bill will only deteriorate the state and demoralize children. Let it prove that this bill is harmful to everyone and is terribly invasive. God hold everyone who is involved in this accountable and deliver the ones who are set apart for You. Protect Your children and shield them from the Evil One. God let Yourself be known in all nations. I ask all this in Your Son's holy name. Amen.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I hope in the Lord

ISAIAH

Chapter40:
28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Perseverance

I am praying for perseverance a lot these days because I feel like quitting. Sometimes I feel that way when there's no sign of improvement or movement in something I do. Today, I am specifically talking about worship leading. God, before I start thinking about all the negative things about it, please remind me why I am doing it and how I am doing it. Work through me and talk to me about it. Help me and use me. Push me and stretch me. Expand my territory and my gifts. Please don't let me quit. Amen.

Every man - Casting Crowns

I'm the man with all I've ever wanted
All the toys and playing games
I am the one who pours your coffee, corner booth each Saturday
I am your daughter's favorite teacher
I am the leader of the band
I sit behind you in the bleachers
I am every man

I'm the coach of every winning team and still a loser in my mind
I am the soldier in the airport facing giants one more time
I am the woman shamed and haunted by the cry of unborn life
I'm every broken man, nervous child, lonely wife

Is there hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
Is there hope for every man
Is there love that never dies
Is there peace in troubled times
Someone help me understand
Is there hope for every man

Seems there's just so many roads to travel, it's hard to tell where they will lead
My life is scarred and my dreams unraveled
Now I'm scared to take the leap
If I could find someone to follow who knows my pain and feels the weight
The uncertainty of my tomorrow, the guilt and pain of yesterday

There is hope for every man
A solid place where we can stand
In this dry and weary land
There is hope for every man
There is Love that never dies
There is peace in troubled times
Will we help them understand?
Jesus is hope for every man

Monday, May 19, 2008

Schemes of darkness

Lord, help Your people to stand firm on Your moral standards.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Send us with fire to go love the world

Lord Almighty, I lift California and its people to You tonight. I feel helpless sometimes when I read about the world. When are You going to deliver Your people? When is Your glory to come? What is going on in this world? Jesus, You are the only One who can do anything about these outrages upside down beliefs. Empower Your people to win over the this culture and nation. God, forgive us of our sins. Let us be a nation of righteousness and godliness. Tell me what I can do!! Let me do something other than petitions and emails!

HERE I AM, SEND ME!

California Marriage Law: 4,618,673 to Four

After a brief period of judicial restraint, California voters watched in horror this afternoon as judicial activism returned with a vengeance in one of the most egregious rulings in American jurisprudence. It took just four activist judges to overturn the historical definition of marriage, not to mention the vote of more than four and a half million Californians, as the state supreme court issued a much-anticipated ruling on the question of same-sex "marriage." By a 4-3 margin, the justices struck down a law, adopted by 61 percent of voters in 2000, which defined marriage as the union of one man and one woman. By imposing same-sex "marriage" on voters, the California Supreme Court knowingly usurped the right of the people to effect change in public policy. This outcome is even more troubling than Massachusetts', in that California voters had already won the right to put a marriage protection amendment on the ballot in November. If the court cared at all about the democratic process, it would have stayed its decision until the people's voice was heard on the November amendment. Instead, these justices trampled on the legislature and created same-sex marriage by judicial fiat. This is nothing more than a judicial shotgun wedding that forces a redefinition of marriage on the people of California and potentially the rest of the nation. We trust that the voters of California will act in November to correct this exercise in judicial activism and to permanently enshrine the traditional definition of marriage in the state constitution. Clearly, this decision highlights the need for a federal amendment defining marriage in the U.S. Constitution. Only then will this campaign to shatter the family's foundation be ended once and for all.


The California Supreme Court ruled today that a law defining marriage as the union between one man and one woman is “unconstitutional,” allowing same-sex couples to marry within the next 30 days. The ruling struck down Proposition 22, a voter-approved statute protecting traditional marriage.


“The justices have undermined and endangered the basic building block of society, which has been honored and preserved in every nation on earth through most of human history."

Dr. James Dobson, founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, on Thursday's decision by the California Supreme Court to redefine marriage 5/15/08

Weird weekend

My husband is traveling to Miami this weekend so I am alone with my two babies. It feels weird to be alone. I mean I am not really alone cuz I got kids. But I guess adult wise, I am out numbered. I am trying to do more stuff so it doesn't seem like he's gone.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I will not be silenced!

Lord, You are a sovereign God who will have mercy on Your people. Save us and our future generations from evil. Teach me to be proactive and to instill this passion in our children. I pray for wisdom and mentorship from someone who has this interest and passion. Guide me to the right resources and people so I may carry out what You want for me to do. Heal our nations and the hearts of people. Give me strength and perseverance. Lord, bring justice to Your name and Your people. Bring righteousness into our nation and raise up more of us who will not be silenced because of persecution and ridicules. Send me a vision. Talk to me. Use me and continue to transform my heart. You have promised to deliver Your people. Please show me Your glory.

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/05/13/gb.dobson.family.matters.cnn

http://www.citizenlink.org/videofeatures/A000007419.cfm

http://www.citizenlink.org/CLNews/A000007424.cfm

http://www.alliancedefensefund.org/issues/religiousfreedom/churchandstate.aspx?cid=4485

http://www.alliancedefensefund.org/issues/religiousfreedom/churchandstate.aspx?cid=4491



Made to love Toby Mac

The dream is fading, now I'm staring at the door
I know its over cause my feet have hit the cold floor
Check my reflection, I ain't feelin what I see
It's no mystery
Whatever happened to a passion I could live for
What became of the flame that made me feel more
And when did I forget that...

I was made to love you
I was made to find you
I was made just for you
Made to adore you
I was made to love
And be loved by you
You were here before me
You were waiting on me
And you said you'd keep me
Never would you leave me I was made to love
and be loved by you

The dream's alive with my eyes opened wide
Back in the ring you've got me swinging for the grand prize
I feel the haters spittin vapors on my dreams
But I still believe
I'm reachin out, reachin up, reachin over
I feel a breeze cover me called Jehovah
And daddy I'm on my way
Cause I was made to love...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2NDIq82H5s&feature=related

Monday, May 12, 2008

This was AWESOME!



Dear Ms. Bunnell,

I was compelled to email you about these articles I
read and the video I watched. It certainly did not
take long for me to see that these students had no
respect for any of their peers or authorities at your
university. Will you and your University be mocked and
ridiculed by these acts of vandalism? Please consider
taking action swiftly.

Sincerely,

Joanna Koo

http://www.lifenews.com/state3207.html
http://www.lifenews.com/state3214.html?CFID=362585&CFTOKEN=76a3a035b5017e4a-175D2C3B-A48C-F285-8996D0A7EEACEE28
http://www.washingtontimes.com/article/20080512/CULTURE/434184108
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5NeLyMZUYM

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Firm in the Lord. Unshakable, unmistakable, undeniable.

If you have had an encounter with Jesus Christ, you shall never be able to deny Him. He knows me. I meet with Him every day. He is my Rock. He is my Ground. When everything else seems to be falling apart, everything seems to be together in Him. One day when I am put to persecution for Him, I will remember Him. He will hold me together and give me strength. I will persevere through and in His sufferings. I am surrendered to Christ. I surrendered to Him when I first met Him in 2003 and I will pledge my allegiance to Him over and over again. My God is the one true God who created this magnificent universe and hand crafted His intelligent creations. God of wonders beyond our galaxy, You are holy! Meet with me everyday as I draw close to You. Reveal to me my shortcomings and correct me. Teach me how to raise our children to love You and serve You. Thank You for Your saving grace. I confess our nation's sins. I ask for Your grace on our nation. Raise up a future generation that will carry on Your Kingdom work. Reveal Yourself to the children who will believe and trust in You. Show Your power and glory wherever Your people go. Use me. Use me. Use me for Your glory. Teach me, show me, carry me to Your throne and let me worship You with all I am and all I can do. Jesus, You are the One and Only. You are my Wings. You are the One.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

BLAH

I am trying to figure out what songs to do tonight. I can't think. It's like my brain is fried. Help me God.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Out of Focus

Lord put me back in focus. Since I was pregnant with Isaac I have not had a cycle, if you know what I mean... and then last week, after 18 mths of freedom, I am again cursed with the pain and suffering of the time of the month. It threw me out of whack, out of schedule, out of hormones, out of my mind!! I feel like I am out of focus. So God help me, put me back together. Thank you!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Singleness

Very well then, it is better to be single to serve the Lord. There are many things God has put on my heart. Gifts, burden, and passions. Just last night, my husband and I were talking about going places in the mid east for His sake. We know we will be overseas one day and we are waiting for that day to come. God, I am still here and I am still willing. Send me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Remembering Kingdom Purpose

A video like this zapped me back into the horror of God's wrath. A world without absolute truth, morals, authority, or sovereignty of God. Lord, may I always remember to win a soul for Your Kingdom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW4LLwkgmqA

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Confirmation and Affirmation

I just LOVE when I get confirmation and affirmation from God. I was all doubting myself with leading worship for these pre-teens and talking down to myself and asking the Lord for confirmation and affirmation, right? Right. Well, I got them this week! Got me thinking if I were Job, I'd never pass the test. I am so sinful, impatient, unfocused, and unfaithful. How do I remain faithful in suffering, doubt, and isolation from Him? I hate not hearing from Him, I hate not having enough time for Him, I hate being far away from Him. Without Him, my life is meaningless. It was awesome on Wednesday! I know He has given me an awesome gift in music and in leading people into worship. Lord, use me, use me, use me.

Isaiah 6:5-8
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty."

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for."

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Ear infections and all

Everyone has been sick for the past month! The kids have been affected the most. They still want to play all the time, but their diarrhea, recurring fevers and non-stop coughs have us praying constantly. We had a doctor's visit but the doctor we saw wasn't great. He was on the phone with someone else half the time we were there, and when he finally saw them, I wondered if he was certified. The nurse didn't even take their temperatures! They had fever, lost weight, coughing crazy, and had no appetite. So last Friday, we took them both to the ER and got antibiotics for Isaac's severe ear infection. They both have upper respiratory infections or something like croup. Now both Phill and I are sick also. Life in TX is going along. There was a tornado warning yesterday afternoon and we hid in the bathroom. That was fun. I don't know where God is taking me or my talents. God I ask you for more faith and grace. Speak to my heart and let the Holy Spirit guide me and teach me.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Christ died to give us life and rose to give us hope.

Many people, even unbelievers, believe in Christ's existence because of overwhelming evidence that He was a man on earth, yet many people, even some believers, do not believe in the resurrection of Christ. The death of Christ is the atonement of our sins, which means we will not be judged for sins we committed, but that's only half of His covenant. Christ rose again to prove to us once again that He will reign forever. That we will also die but be risen with Him one day. That's what's giving me the courage to face disappointment, humiliation, persecution, and even one day, martyrdom. On this day, I reaffirm my dedication to Jesus my Savior, my Lord. He is real. He is true. He is the One true God that will save you if you just believe.

1 Corinthians 15

The Resurrection of Christ
1Now, brothers, I want to remind you of the gospel I preached to you, which you received and on which you have taken your stand. 2By this gospel you are saved, if you hold firmly to the word I preached to you. Otherwise, you have believed in vain.

3For what I received I passed on to you as of first importance[a]: that Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, 4that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures, 5and that he appeared to Peter,[b] and then to the Twelve. 6After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. 7Then he appeared to James, then to all the apostles, 8and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born.

9For I am the least of the apostles and do not even deserve to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. 10But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 11Whether, then, it was I or they, this is what we preach, and this is what you believed.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Struggling

I desire to have hours to read the Bible, pray on my knees, and practice my instruments for worship. I want to have time for journaling and writing, and do my cardio kickboxing and group fitness certification. I would also love to swim laps for hours. The hardest thing I have to deal with after being married and shoved into motherhood is the lack of time for God and myself. I am constantly struggling to give myself and my ambitions up in order to raise up another generation of Kingdom workers. My goal for this week is to schedule in some time for fasting and praying for the kids, and studying God's word. I need a new schedule for the babies so I could be more effective with our time. I need to hear God, and I need His help. I have been wanting to just give up the opportunity He gave me to lead worship. There's just so much I want to do and can't do right now because I have kids. I know He wants me to be patient. I am so impatient. I want to jump right in, jump ahead, and do everything I envision of. I want to use God's word to write worship songs. I want to have my own worship band. I want to lead thousands in worship. I want to have my own worship CD. I have got to set aside lots of time for prayer and reading His word. I can hear Abigail awake from nap. I better go. I love You Jesus.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Nova Pathos - New passion

Technically, it's just a new realization. I read 2 Dr James Dobson books last month and realized that political issues are being manipulated because of spiritual reasons. It is true that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the authority of darkness. I am appalled by organizations like FFRF (Freedom from religious foundation), ACLU (American civil liberties union), and Planned Parenthood. I fear the future for my children and grandchildren. They will go on to a world that we will never want to live in. I pray and pray and pray that my children and their children will be god-fearing, wise in the Lord, and passionate for Christ's kingdom. If anyone in my future generations shall be lost, I will be so heart broken. Jesus, have mercy on their souls. Help me teach them your ways, and to understand why your way is the best. Because of Focus on the family, I am now much more involved in my every day political realm. I sign petitions and read up on the latest laws and regulations. Last night I email Arnold Schwarzenegger to thank him for being supportive about homeschooling. I felt cool. God, help me to pass on this important task of being active in our political world. Give me direction to your heart and desires. Continue to humble me and help me submit myself to you and my husband. Let me carry on a ministry that will impact the church and my children. Let my children see you in me and carry on your legacy. In Jesus' name I humbly ask. AMEN.

Monday, March 10, 2008

I forget

We rarely go to the mall, and when we went a couple of weeks ago, I realized I had forgotten why I don't like going there. There are too many things I don't want to see or hear in a mall. Not to mention my children! Anyway I am not going to a mall ever again! Until I forget again.... I hope I don't. God, help me not to forget.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Akouw Theos

I hear God. Sometimes. Sometimes, I ignore what He's trying to tell me. Sometimes, I sulk in what He says. Lately, I've just been confused with what He's trying to teach me. When I first surrendered my life to Jesus, I did what He said. Mostly because it was so obvious. We'd have weekly lessons. One week, it was humility. Everything that happened in that week, pointed out how I needed to be meek. Then it was patience. Then compassion. Then obedience. It was obvious. Now, it takes me more time to figure out what He's even trying to teach me.

Well, if anyone knows me well, they'd know I long to lead worship. That's what I am made for. That's my calling. I've been praying, you know. Since I gave birth to Abigail, my worship leading career went down the drain. So I was asking, bugging, pestering the Lord whether or not that's what I'm supposed to do anymore.

That was November 2005. Abigail is 27months. And I had Isaac too in the meantime! Just this past Wednesday, someone called Phill about someone in this house that leads worship. Yeah, weird. You'd think I'd jump in it and say Here I am! (I did promise the Lord I'd do anything He asked me to do. True surrender. Right?) Well, I didn't. I want to. Very badly. But I haven't. Yet.

What's wrong with me? I don't know. My human nature. My insecurities. My brain is talking too loudly. I love worshiping the Lord. I love leading others in worship. Satan is definitely using my weaknesses. But when I am weak, then He is strong. Is this what it's all about? Maybe.

When I led worship before, I was too confident? I must decrease for Him to increase. I know that. I must completely rely on the Holy Spirit. I must totally surrender my desires. The praise and the worship are all for His glory. He is our reason and our Audience of One. I must pick up that guitar and let Him play the songs. God, You are my Shepherd. You are my Lord. You are my living God, who is worthy of my praise. Help me. Guide me. Instill in me. Let me serve You. Let me listen to You. Let me write new songs with Your Words. I surrender my will and desire Your will in my soul. Jesus, be my intercessor and mediator for my prayers. AMEN.

On the Road to Beautiful Charlie Hall
I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain

So sorry Elmo


Motherhood, I tell you, is something else. The repeating decision to sacrifice ourselves, our careers, our time, our food, our brain juice,... our everything, is miraculous. We do a lot, and we forget a lot. Then we play a lot, and we discipline a lot. In this new world of motherhood, I will never forget not to put lunch boxes in a laundry machine... especially the dryer. It melted like a hot dog. I can't imagine what a third baby would do to me. I'll let you know in about a year.

Standing alone

Twenty something years of my life past by me when I was all right with being inconsiderate, profane, selfish, immoral... a liar, a thief, an adulteress, a murderer... I, am a woman with a shameful, guilty, godless past. I was unstable, irresponsible, impulsive, and depressed. I did things to make myself feel happy during the day, yet curled up with pain in my heart at night. I attempted to seek peace through self-help books, music, shopping, and even the most despised of all, religion. I was desperate. I was in agony. My soul was empty. Life was meaningless.

But isn't it? We work and we slave for the things that we want and need. And money, the very thing we work for, owns us. Yet, at the end of life, who will take their bank accounts to their graves? Who will be full from the meals they have consumed? Who, will we be accountable to? Even my parents have disciplined me when I was a child. Teachers have graded my papers and given me F's.

Am I to fail at what I am given, even though I did not ask for it? Who will cherish my life if I did not? Who will love me when I cannot even find myself worthy? And at what price...?

For God did NOT send His Son into the world, to CONDEMN the world, but to SAVE the world through Him.

I have experienced a love that I still do not understand. A love so crazy. A love so sacrificial. My life was NOT saved by a church. My life was NOT saved by a religion. My life was precious to my Creator. Jesus came to me in my car when I cried out to Him. He sat beside me as I sobbed. He took my burden and carried my transgressions. Jesus, my God, saved me. And He was my price on the cross.

So is it OK to admit that I would die for Him? That I will speak the Truth in love to everyone I cross roads with? Relatives have left me, friends have isolated me, people have called me narrow minded, and I have been made anew! To stand alone is to have the will to die for Jesus as He has died for me. To stand alone is to be persecuted verbally, physically and emotionally, yet still singing to praise Him.

I will stand alone in Christ, and in Him alone will I glory.

KING Tree63

We have heard the thunder
We have seen the storm
Echoes of your kingdom coming
Rumors of our home
Where one day we will stand before you Lord
Our altogether beautiful reward

CHORUS:
And we will give you glory bring you honor
King above all kings
You deserve our everything
We will lift our voices with your praises
Jesus you are our king

Though now we walk in darkness
Though now we see in part
Right now we're warmed by the burning flames
Of the fire in our hearts
You've promised you would lead us to your throne
Where we will worship you and you alone

Grocery Lists

I've been reading a lot. Mostly books on marriage and raising children. I also recently admitted publicly that I am a control freak, and cannot handle being in the dark. For example, the babies and I were at Walmart grocery shopping. I had this huge list, one I started since Wednesday, and I was determined to get the shopping done quickly. Well, I handed my list to Abigail who seemed responsible enough to hold it. First, she tore it in two pieces. "LOOK! BROKE, MOMMY!" "Yes, it's okay." That was when I still had the words in one piece. Then I moved on to price checking. I was so busy calculating, I did not realize that my important list was a goner. She looked at me as I looked at her with questioning eyes. "WHere's mommy's list?" "I don't know. Broke." "I know it broke. But you still had the list." "LOOK! BABY FOOD!" GRRRRR... I stood in the middle of the baby food isle, lost, confused, upset, and mostly lost. I felt like without my list, I didn't know what to get next or even where I was!! I took it out on her at first, and then I realized I am a slave to perfection, to chasing control, to... grocery shopping lists!!!!! I took a deep breath,.. Lord help me... "Mommy still loves you. It's okay the list is gone. We can still get pasta."