Akouw Theos

I hear God. Sometimes. Sometimes, I ignore what He's trying to tell me. Sometimes, I sulk in what He says. Lately, I've just been confused with what He's trying to teach me. When I first surrendered my life to Jesus, I did what He said. Mostly because it was so obvious. We'd have weekly lessons. One week, it was humility. Everything that happened in that week, pointed out how I needed to be meek. Then it was patience. Then compassion. Then obedience. It was obvious. Now, it takes me more time to figure out what He's even trying to teach me.

Well, if anyone knows me well, they'd know I long to lead worship. That's what I am made for. That's my calling. I've been praying, you know. Since I gave birth to Abigail, my worship leading career went down the drain. So I was asking, bugging, pestering the Lord whether or not that's what I'm supposed to do anymore.

That was November 2005. Abigail is 27months. And I had Isaac too in the meantime! Just this past Wednesday, someone called Phill about someone in this house that leads worship. Yeah, weird. You'd think I'd jump in it and say Here I am! (I did promise the Lord I'd do anything He asked me to do. True surrender. Right?) Well, I didn't. I want to. Very badly. But I haven't. Yet.

What's wrong with me? I don't know. My human nature. My insecurities. My brain is talking too loudly. I love worshiping the Lord. I love leading others in worship. Satan is definitely using my weaknesses. But when I am weak, then He is strong. Is this what it's all about? Maybe.

When I led worship before, I was too confident? I must decrease for Him to increase. I know that. I must completely rely on the Holy Spirit. I must totally surrender my desires. The praise and the worship are all for His glory. He is our reason and our Audience of One. I must pick up that guitar and let Him play the songs. God, You are my Shepherd. You are my Lord. You are my living God, who is worthy of my praise. Help me. Guide me. Instill in me. Let me serve You. Let me listen to You. Let me write new songs with Your Words. I surrender my will and desire Your will in my soul. Jesus, be my intercessor and mediator for my prayers. AMEN.

On the Road to Beautiful Charlie Hall

I crumble at Your kiss and grace
I'm a weakling in the dust
Teach me how to cling to You
With all my life and all my love

Father come to me, hold me up 'cause I can barely stand
My strength is gone and my breath is short, I can't reach out my hands
But my heart is set on a pilgrimage to heaven's own bright King
So in faltering or victory I will always sing

And on the road to beautiful
My seasons always change
But my life is spent on loving You
To know You in Your power and pain