blogging revival?

don't know what's going on, my written journal is obviously suffering because i've been blogging more these days. but i have felt a need to these days.

i've been praying for a heart of compassion and love towards my mom. the same heart i was praying for in order to forgive my dad and reconcile with him. growing up, my relationship with my dad wasn't that bad. he always sat down and did homework with me. although later on he confessed it's because he thought i was slow and needed more help hahahaha. i think being the child after my brother who's mentally handicapped made them more concerned about me?

he has always been the one i adored. i remember he used to discipline me with a belt. i was always the one in trouble and misunderstood. i remember one time (2nd grade?) i did something to deserve discipline. i stood in front of him crying. he hit me with the belt and i just broke. something happened that day because he took me into his arms and sighed, "if you weren't bad i wouldn't have had to discipline you. it's ok, it's over." something about my crying or my reaction to his anger made him never to use a belt on me again.

im not sure if that was a good thing though hahahahahha. it just wasn't helping anyway. i was so stubborn and i was so full of sin. no amount of their angry discipline did anything. that's another story... in short, i had an okay relationship with my dad. he was always angry and he was the traditional chinese father, but i wanted a genuine relationship with him, not just a good one. many things happened for the past 10-15 years, a lot of hurt and betrayal, and i couldn't talk to him. i knew crying every time i thought about my dad or talked to my dad was unhealthy. i avoided his phone calls and emails. one day, i've had it. i cried out to God and i wanted this to be done with. He gave me a love for my dad I have never had before. He gave me His love for my dad. He gave me His forgiveness for him. suddenly, nothing mattered anymore. the things my dad has done, are doing and will do just didn't seem to my concern anymore. all i wanted was for him to be saved.

LORD, that is the heart i want to have for my mom.